Infertility Is

Infertility is being afraid to hope because the inevitable disappointment that follows month after month is just too much to handle sometimes.

Infertility is feeling like you are letting down everyone around you - the would-be father, the would-be grandparents, the would-be aunts and uncles, the would-be cousins, the would-be babysitters, teachers, friends, and mentors. 

Infertility is questioning whether this is because of something in your (or your spouse’s) past, and knowing there are other people who wonder the same. 

Infertility is isolating and lonely when kept hidden. 

Infertility is having no answers. It is thinking you have an answer, waiting 6 months, and then looking for more answers. It is having countless answers and yet still no answer at all. 

Infertility is diligently fighting against the comparison trap, but occasionally falling into frustration, jealousy, confusion, and/or outrage.  

Infertility is getting poked, cut, screened, flushed, and tested until you, your marriage, and your bank account can’t hardly stand anymore. 

Infertility is sometimes being angry at the only One whom you fully believe can ultimately do anything or bring you any real comfort about your situation. Then it is feeling guilty, ashamed, and hopeless for feeling that way. 

Infertility is looking into sympathetic eyes that don’t understand.

Infertility is giving short, robotic answers so that the abyss of emotions doesn’t burst forth to swallow you whole again.

Infertility is scoffing at the irony of being less fertile than a Target manikin. 

Infertility is seeing God work in many ways while He appears to remain frozen with regard to your ability to conceive. 

Infertility is genuinely feeling happy for all the friends and the siblings and the kids you used to babysit when they announce their pregnancies while simultaneously writhing inside with the possibility that it may never be your turn.  

Infertility is having a pass to a secret club that no one wants to be a part of and that 99% of members are trying desperately to leave. 

Infertility is wondering. Wondering if you will ever get to see the joy on everyone’s face (particularly your husband's face) when you reveal that you are finally pregnant. Wondering if you will ever get to plan an announcement, have a baby shower, design a nursery, choose a name, or experience pregnancy, labor, and delivery. It is wondering if you will ever get to see your own eyes or your husband’s hair reflected in your child. 

Infertility is being unable to do what you were designed to do. 

Infertility is having all sorts of biblical role models but also loathing the thought of having to wait as long as Sarah did.

Infertility is suddenly feeling like time is your enemy and struggling to celebrate birthdays as your own number creeps up, your chances slide down, and your risks climb higher. 

Infertility is a seemingly endless cycle of grieving someone who has not yet existed. 

Infertility is knowing that babies are being torn from the wombs of their mothers every day while yours sits empty. 

Infertility is not wanting to give up on having biological children while also not wanting to wait too long before starting the process of adoption (not that the two are mutually exclusive or interchangeable). 

Infertility is a lot of not knowing what to do next or when. 

Infertility is hearing people say, “trying is the fun part,” when they have no idea how stressful, chore-like, hopeless, and/or painful sex can become if you and your spouse fail to intentionally fight for real intimacy. 

Infertility is learning to accept and enjoy a life that is not at all what you originally wanted or pictured. 

Infertility is being grateful for the time, freedom, and sleep-filled nights you have while also knowing you would give it all up in a heartbeat to become a parent. 

Infertility is knowing that adoption is not a cure. 

Infertility is crying after taking your waking temperature because it dropped 13 days past ovulation, and you know even before your period ever shows up that though you did everything right, it still didn’t work. 

Infertility is taking all the pills: prescriptions, supplements, herbal remedies, and more. 

Infertility is researching anything and everything related to fertility until you’ve run out of places to look. 

Infertility is gaining a whole slew of acronyms: IUI, IVF, CD, BD, 2WW, AF, BBT, BFN, BFP, OPK, PCOS, HCG, LH, HSG.....

Infertility is seeing doctor after doctor - traditional and unconventional, compassionate and insensitive, attentive and dismissive.

Infertility is waiting for weeks, months, and years without any guarantee that the wait will end. 

Infertility is considering acupuncture even though you used to think people who subjected themselves to such a thing were basically insane. 

Infertility is painful - physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. 

Infertility is taking a pregnancy test early because even though you know it’s illogical, a small part of you hopes that doing so will somehow prevent your period from coming. 

Infertility is daily continuing to choose to believe in, to trust, to pray to, to worship, and to obey God anyway, regardless of how He chooses to write your story.  And also sometimes failing to do so. 

Infertility is learning over and over again that life is not about you. 

Infertility is having friends and family rally together to help support you in ways that yank the pent-up tears from your eyes and bring you to your knees. 

Infertility is understanding and connecting with specific people in ways you never could have otherwise.

Infertility is having an opportunity to influence, to serve, to encourage, and to comfort others. 

Infertility is a brokenness through which God can still bring about good and reveal His glory.   

Infertility is not what I would have chosen, it is not who I am, it does not define my value, and it is not the most important detail of my story. But it is a part of my story.

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