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My dad is such an excellent reflection of God as a giver that I’m embarrassed at how I could even try to justify my recent doubts regarding God’s goodness and generosity. My parents themselves are good gifts from God. He has proven Himself time and time again to be faithfully good and generous in providing for Jon and I financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially, and mentally through marital and ministry trials, through multiple moves and job changes, through medical messes, and so much more. He has used so many people to bless us beyond what we could have ever asked for, and He has never forsaken us. It’s absurd, really, to doubt while having the examples that I do in my parents and having seen all that I’ve seen God do in my own life.
Yet, I’ve still struggled with suspicion. I’ve still wrestled with trusting an all-powerful heavenly Father who has allowed my womb to stay barren when I know my earthly parents (and SO many other friends and family members) would do anything in their power to allow me to have a child. I’ve cried angry tears over Psalm 127 and James 1:17. I’ve wondered if God just doesn’t love me enough or if I don’t love God enough. I’ve prayed until it felt pointless, and I’ve crowded God out with activity – along with all my conflicting feelings about Him.
Therein lies the problem. It’s hard to see anyone clearly from a distance. James 1:17, as much as it has tormented me, makes it abundantly clear that if anyone has moved or changed, it is not God. So, it must be me. I know it is me. But, if I come near to God again, then who does that leave me to blame? Who else would take the brunt of my anger and disappointment?
I recently finished Lysa Terkeurst’s book titled It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way. In it, she masterfully gives the reader space and grace to suffer and grieve while also guiding the reader gently back onto the life-giving path toward Christ. She explains that we are between two gardens: the Garden of Eden and the restored Eden of the book of Revelation. God created all things perfect, and we have that perfection etched into our DNA like a faint memory, which is why anything less than perfection stings and disappoints us so badly. God has also provided the way and is working toward restoring all things to that perfection, which gives us hope for the future. However, we live in the middle space where sin is still messing things up, and the harsh dissonance of disappointment still clangs in our ears.
Learning to trust God and wrestle well through the noise of suffering and disappointment is part of His work in transforming us. Lysa goes on in her book to use the illustration of dust and pottery. God often uses the times in our lives that reduce us to ashes to provide the material to make something even more beautiful and strong. She says, “If our souls never ached with disappointments and disillusionments, we’d never fully admit and submit to our need for God. If we weren’t ever shattered we’d never know the glorious touch of the Potter making something glorious out of dust, out of us.” These illustrations and teachings have been helpful to me in coming to understand and accept the things I see God doing (or not doing) in my own life and learning to trust His process.
I know God is not maliciously withholding anything from me; that is not His character. He is the good giver of all perfect gifts, and he gives generously and freely. I also know that He sees more than what I can see both in Jon’s and my circumstances and in our hearts. He knows what we need more than we do, and just because He hasn’t given us a child yet doesn’t mean He hasn’t wanted to give us that gift or that He won’t still in the future. He is not a performance-driven God who would require me to love Him a certain amount before rewarding me with a child, and He has already given the greatest demonstration of His own love for me in the sacrifice of His Son. These are the truths I need to remember and to choose to believe. God is generous and good, and I can trust that He is making something beautiful from the ashes.
In the meantime, He has given me a few things to work on. If you are struggling with trusting God’s goodness, I invite you to join me in these.
- Stay close to Him. Pushing Him away only exacerbates the problem because I start losing sight of who He is and start believing the lies.
- Give Him the glory. I just read in Judges 7 about how God wouldn’t let the full Israelite army fight against the Midianites under Gideon because He knew they would be tempted to think that their own power and might won the battle. He whittled the army down to three hundred men and used them to take down Midianites and Amalekites “as numerous as locusts” (Judges 7:12). I can’t try to control or fix everything myself, and any progress I make is only because of Him. Worshipping God also keeps my heart in a posture of peaceful submission.
- Celebrate the victories. I’ve been too focused on a pregnancy being the only victory. That mindset lends itself to overlooking or downplaying all that God is doing right now, which in turn leads to doubting Him again. For example, I have slowly but surely been making leaps and bounds health-wise. Shark week has almost earned itself a new name as my husband has come through relatively unscathed for several months now. My moods are so much more stable in that regard!
- Reframe. I am learning how powerful the mind is and how much my whole being – body, heart, mind, and spirit – is affected by what I think. Side note – this is probably why God transforms us by renewing our minds (Rom. 12:2). Anyway, I’m learning some techniques to manage stress in addition to learning how to turn negative thinking around on its head. For example, instead of thinking “this sucks – I’m still not pregnant this month,” I can think, “I’m glad God designed my body in such a way that it knows when pregnancy is not a good idea.”
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