Our adoption wait has been hard this summer. Bringing home a baby in May would have been so perfect. 6 months from going active. 9 months from submitting our application. A maternity leave without missing school. Instead we had two leads - through personal connections - that both hit dead ends. May also brought the worst emotional adoption scam of the handful we’ve faced.
For so many years, I’ve hoped and longed to be a mother. I’ve been doused in buckets of disappointment and despair, but still my hope and longing haven’t been snuffed out. Which almost makes it all worse. Because the weary cycle repeats. Over and over. And over.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12 NLT).
People tell me I’m strong, but I’m not. My own strength melts into a puddle on the floor with a word. I’ve literally felt my muscles collapse in heartache. I’ve felt so tired - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - that I thought I might fall asleep and never wake up. I buckle, and I break just like anyone else.
“Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion…” (Isaiah 40:30 NLT).
Even the child who can spend hours jumping on the trampoline, swimming, and playing tag with energy to spare will eventually crash into bed. Even the young man who has pushed all his physical limits to the extreme and trained his body to keep going will eventually tap out (Isaiah 40:30 - my paraphrase).
I’m human, and so are you. We have limits - limited understanding, limited control, limited energy, limited foresight, limited strength. But there is still hope. There is still comfort. There is still strength. Because we have a God who is not restrained by those same limits.
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power” (Isaiah 40:28-29 NASB).
But Satan uses the circumstances of our lives to whisper in our ears: “God doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t even see you. How could He and still allow this? How could He not step in and do something? Either He doesn’t exist, He doesn’t have the power, He is not good, or He does not see or care. Whatever the case, you are on your own.” We hear these lies, and much of what we see tempts us to believe them. But God tells us to shift our gaze.
“Lift up your eyes on high
And see who has created these stars,
The One who leads forth their host by number,
He calls them all by name;
Because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power,
Not one of them is missing.
Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,
‘My way is hidden from the LORD,
And the justice due me escapes the notice of my God’?" (Isaiah 40:26-27).
This week I started reading a book that my mom sent to me: Loving God with All Your Mind by Elizabeth George. She begins in Philippians 4:8 with God’s instruction to think on what is first of all true and real, especially about God. Using the examples of the Israelites and Hagar (whose story inspired the name of this blog), she says,
“This God-breathed, true account from the Bible reminds us that God sees, hears, and knows all about the sufferings of His people. He also remembers His promises, cares about His people, and acts on their behalf and for their good. You and I must choose to ‘think on these things’ - these comforting, tender, and rock-solid, never-changing truths about God’s care and concern for us - rather than focus on our own faulty thoughts or feelings. Regardless of the difficulty and pain of life’s circumstances, ‘these things’ are what is true and real about God!” (p. 27).
God has written the truth about Himself into the stars. We can’t see Him, but we can see His work, and we can know His heart through His Word. Thinking on those truths about Him helps correct my perspective, which is the starting point for finding strength and comfort. But I also have to wait for Him.
“Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary” (Isaiah 40:31).
Waiting for a baby does not give me strength.
Neither did waiting for a diagnosis.
For an appointment with a specific doctor.
For helpful test results.
For a positive pregnancy test.
For a certain treatment to work.
For lifestyle changes to affect my body.
Neither does waiting for an adoption call.
For a birth mother to choose us.
For meeting our little one.
For finalization.
All of it zaps my strength and energy and reminds me of how very human I am.
But waiting for God is different. Waiting for Him means I am trusting and leaning into Him - the One who knows me better than anyone, who cares about me more than anyone, and who has promised that somehow He will use everything that comes into my life for good (Romans 8:28). It means I am abiding in Him - looking to Him moment by moment for each decision and turning into His arms when life hurts. It means that I will not be disappointed because the object of my hope and wait is first of all Him - and He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).
Another quote from Elizabeth George’s book struck me as I was reading last night:
“While waiting on God’s will regarding marriage, Jim Elliot wrote to his future wife, Elisabeth Howard, ‘Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.’ Commenting on his wisdom decades later, Mrs. Elisabeth Elliot wrote, ‘We accept and thank God for what is given, not allowing the not-given to spoil it.’ God is adequate” (p. 50).
God is adequate. He is more than enough. I can only ever be satisfied and content with Him. I can only ever be happy and holy with Him. Every other good thing in this life is a grace - a gift that I do not deserve and could never earn. He gives so much in the gift of Himself alone - and He blesses us abundantly on top of that. I can keep going another day when He is the One I’m waiting for.
