Fighting Fear

          

        The past couple of weeks have felt like a nearly constant battle with fear.  Between the frequent blood draws, the arrival of the medical billing estimate, and the information I’ve been reading about potential treatments, I’ve been overwhelmed at times.  I know in my head that God has got this all under control and that the end will be worth it (whether or not it results in a pregnancy), but my heart has trouble getting on board sometimes.  Questions keep rolling around in my mind:

Will today’s blood draw be a tolerable one, or one that is going to make me dread coming back again in two days? 

 What if the local lab doesn’t follow the instructions quite right or doesn’t get the completed series shipped off the right way to the lab in Omaha, and I have to do this all over again? 

 How in the world is this going to pan out financially?  What if Samaritan Ministries (our health sharing group) decides that none of my tests or my surgery will be publishable?

 What are the results going to show?  Are they going to make me take progesterone shots at home?  What kinds of havoc will my body and emotions go through if they have to adjust my hormones?  Will I have to have a second surgery?  What if they find something even more serious?      

All of this is out of my control, of course.  There is no point in dwelling on it, but letting go is so hard!  The timing of the Livin’ Out Loud concert was perfect for me.  Two songs that God has been using to quiet my mind were played: Fear is a Liar (performed by Zach Williams) and No Longer Slaves (performed by I Am They).  I wholeheartedly recommend listening to them if you are struggling with fear too. 

We were also privileged to hear the story of Justin Halbgewachs and his family.  He lost his wife to cancer and not long after was diagnosed with brain cancer himself.  He was given nine months to live.  Those nine months have come and gone, along with two brain surgeries.  After one of those surgeries, he woke up and was so thankful simply to know Jesus that he went and sang Amazing Grace with his three children.  You can check out more of the details of his story by visiting his website or by  following his personal Facebook account.  During his messages on Saturday and Sunday, Justin talked about how he had asked God to do whatever it would take to draw him closer to Himself.  Just a couple months later, he was diagnosed with cancer.  I know he has struggled too, but he was so relaxed and at peace in the way he talked.  He did not blame God, he wasn’t angry with God, and he was not bound by fear or grief.  He has learned to value what God values.  His eternal perspective gave him freedom and joy that was completely evident to those of us who saw him. 

The fact that God often uses suffering and difficult circumstances to grow us, develop our character, break down our idols, and draw us to Himself isn’t really easy to accept.  I wish growth could come easily, but the more of life I experience, the more I learn that suffering and pain are part of the package.  It’s not like God can’t relate.  I can say “Jesus died on the cross” without giving that statement hardly a second thought, but the reality of just what took place is something we can hardly comprehend.  If Jesus was not exempt from suffering in this life, why should I be?  We have the promise and hope of glory on the other side.  We know that the God who allows trials is good and trustworthy and that His plan is good, even though it includes hard things.

          If Justin can overcome his fear and face his circumstances of life with joy and worship, so can I.  So can you.  We don’t have to choose fear or listen to the lies.  Even when our circumstances loom heavy on our hearts, we can lift our eyes and reach out for help and hope.  God gives us His strength and everything we need to walk through anything that He asks of us.  He never leaves us, and He promises us that this life is not all there is. 

    

Freedom from Fear

Halloween has never been my favorite holiday.  Sure, I have fond memories of wearing fun costumes, eating obscene amounts of candy, and trick-or-treating with friends, but all of that was usually shrouded by a sense of unrest.  The combination of startling and scary decorations, disguised strangers, daunting shadows, and dark streets was very unsettling to me.  I certainly could not comprehend the fascination with haunted houses that was so common amongst my peers.  While I enjoyed some of the lighter aspects of the holiday, my mind could not fathom why people would want to intentionally pursue and stir up fear. 

 

While I still have no desire whatsoever to partake in the likes of haunted houses and horror movies, I’ve found that I’m much more a friend of fear than I’d care to admit.  I let it seep into my life in subtle ways until it becomes familiar and, strangely, safe.  It’s almost as though clinging to fear gives me a false sense of control.  If I just keep a death grip on it, then I can prevent the object of my fear from ever getting close to me.  For example, if I fear snakes enough (if I refuse to go near any of their possible habitats and constantly keep a vigilant and paranoid eye out for them), then I won’t ever have to know the pain of a venomous snake bite.  If I refuse to let my husband indulge in his adrenaline junkie instincts to the best of my ability, then I won’t ever have to know the devastation of losing him.  Fear taken to such extremes is a prison masquerading as a fortress.  It whispers protection in our ear all while wrapping it’s coils around our necks - binding us and gradually choking out the very life we were trying to preserve. 

God has a lot to say about fear in His Word.  Specifically, He tells us not to fear...repeatedly.  It’s been said before that there are 365 verses in the Bible that command us not to fear.   I haven’t gone through and counted them myself, but whatever the exact number is, God obviously cares about what we do about fear.  However, anyone who has ever struggled with an addiction (or, to make it more palatable, a recurring sin) knows that, in most cases, you can’t just stop when you are told to stop, even if you see the necessity for it and have the desire to change.  Your brain has to be rewired over time (Rom. 12:2) by replacing your old way of thinking with something else (Eph. 4:22-24).  As we rely on the strength of the Holy Spirit to put off our old self and put on the new self, He transforms us from the inside out. 

Lately, God has been showing me His replacement for my unhealthy fear.  In Psalm 112, verses 1 and 7 say, “Praise the LORD!  How blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who greatly delights in His commandments.  He will not fear evil tidings; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.”  If I take God seriously - obeying Him and trusting Him in every area of my life - then I have no need to fear anything or anyone else.  This is not because of any guarantee of a life without trauma, disappointment, suffering, or loss, but because I know that God loves me deeply (Ps. 139; Jn. 3:16; Rom. 5:8; 1 Jn. 3:1) and is able to do immeasurably more than I can think or imagine (Eph. 4:17-21), including working all things for my good and His glory in the end (Rom. 8:28).  He can and will carry me through all that life throws my way.

This is not to say we should live recklessly or foolishly.  The fear of the LORD is also the beginning of wisdom (Prov. 9:10).  However, it does mean that we can do so much more than just survive in this life.  We don’t have to walk around with our walls up and our fists clenched, slowly dying within our hardened shells.  There is a better way.  We can find the freedom to experience joy and security by letting God do the job of being our Defender and Shield.  As we consistently put off our own fears and put on the fear of the LORD, we will give the Holy Spirit room to break our chains and transform us into people who are free, secure, giving, compassionate, and alive.