Fighting Fear

          

        The past couple of weeks have felt like a nearly constant battle with fear.  Between the frequent blood draws, the arrival of the medical billing estimate, and the information I’ve been reading about potential treatments, I’ve been overwhelmed at times.  I know in my head that God has got this all under control and that the end will be worth it (whether or not it results in a pregnancy), but my heart has trouble getting on board sometimes.  Questions keep rolling around in my mind:

Will today’s blood draw be a tolerable one, or one that is going to make me dread coming back again in two days? 

 What if the local lab doesn’t follow the instructions quite right or doesn’t get the completed series shipped off the right way to the lab in Omaha, and I have to do this all over again? 

 How in the world is this going to pan out financially?  What if Samaritan Ministries (our health sharing group) decides that none of my tests or my surgery will be publishable?

 What are the results going to show?  Are they going to make me take progesterone shots at home?  What kinds of havoc will my body and emotions go through if they have to adjust my hormones?  Will I have to have a second surgery?  What if they find something even more serious?      

All of this is out of my control, of course.  There is no point in dwelling on it, but letting go is so hard!  The timing of the Livin’ Out Loud concert was perfect for me.  Two songs that God has been using to quiet my mind were played: Fear is a Liar (performed by Zach Williams) and No Longer Slaves (performed by I Am They).  I wholeheartedly recommend listening to them if you are struggling with fear too. 

We were also privileged to hear the story of Justin Halbgewachs and his family.  He lost his wife to cancer and not long after was diagnosed with brain cancer himself.  He was given nine months to live.  Those nine months have come and gone, along with two brain surgeries.  After one of those surgeries, he woke up and was so thankful simply to know Jesus that he went and sang Amazing Grace with his three children.  You can check out more of the details of his story by visiting his website or by  following his personal Facebook account.  During his messages on Saturday and Sunday, Justin talked about how he had asked God to do whatever it would take to draw him closer to Himself.  Just a couple months later, he was diagnosed with cancer.  I know he has struggled too, but he was so relaxed and at peace in the way he talked.  He did not blame God, he wasn’t angry with God, and he was not bound by fear or grief.  He has learned to value what God values.  His eternal perspective gave him freedom and joy that was completely evident to those of us who saw him. 

The fact that God often uses suffering and difficult circumstances to grow us, develop our character, break down our idols, and draw us to Himself isn’t really easy to accept.  I wish growth could come easily, but the more of life I experience, the more I learn that suffering and pain are part of the package.  It’s not like God can’t relate.  I can say “Jesus died on the cross” without giving that statement hardly a second thought, but the reality of just what took place is something we can hardly comprehend.  If Jesus was not exempt from suffering in this life, why should I be?  We have the promise and hope of glory on the other side.  We know that the God who allows trials is good and trustworthy and that His plan is good, even though it includes hard things.

          If Justin can overcome his fear and face his circumstances of life with joy and worship, so can I.  So can you.  We don’t have to choose fear or listen to the lies.  Even when our circumstances loom heavy on our hearts, we can lift our eyes and reach out for help and hope.  God gives us His strength and everything we need to walk through anything that He asks of us.  He never leaves us, and He promises us that this life is not all there is.