The News
For
those who missed my husband's post: part of our waiting season is over! A couple of weeks ago, Jon accepted a
position as the youth and worship pastor at The Crossing Fellowship in
Gothenburg, NE. Now, we are working hard
to finish out our current jobs and working through my somewhat daunting moving
to-do list. We are incredibly excited to
be returning to full-time ministry and to be developing a whole new set of
relationships. However, this transition,
like most transitions, is bittersweet.
The Background
I've
mentioned before that embracing change has always been a struggle for me. Uprooting and starting from scratch 3 times
in the past 3 years is not at all something I would have chosen for myself. Yet, God has worked and is still working
through it all. By His grace, I'm
learning to be a more flexible and willing follower. Even so, saying goodbye is not any less
painful.
My
family has always been pretty deeply rooted in Colorado. I lived in the same house from the age of 2
to 20, and many of my relatives lived in the same town or close to it. I still get together with friends I met in
elementary school. My network of
relationships was pretty stable and unchanging for the most part throughout my
childhood. It wasn't really until high
school that I began to experience what it was like for people to leave.
As
my older friends graduated and left for college, I started questioning the
point of fostering deep relationships.
The more I cared about someone, the more it hurt to lose them. Even if I knew I would see them again, the
relationship still had to change to some extent, and it was still painful. Why should I put myself through that? Then, I started going on short term mission
trips, and I got a taste of what it was like to be the one leaving behind
people whom I had grown to love in just a short couple of weeks. Leaving wasn't any easier than being left,
and the older I got, the more frequently I experienced the heartaches of
leaving and being left. I started to
really see just how transient relationships could be.
When
we moved to Scottsbluff, we had just endured the most painful leaving
experience of my life. The faces of
those we left behind haunted me. My
heart was horribly mangled and my trust was shattered. Not only that, but I was
embarrassed about having to leave full-time ministry after a short year and a
half, and I really didn't want to talk to anyone about it. That was strike one against investing in
relationships in Scottsbluff. I am
naturally an introvert who was painfully shy as a kid. As I grew up, I learned to branch out more, but
in my pain, I still often give in to my natural tendency to withdraw. Strike two.
I also knew that our move to Scottsbluff was likely a temporary time of
healing until God called us back into full-time ministry. Strike three.
With a few exceptions, I largely held back from people and remained
guarded for the first several months of our time in Scottsbluff.
The Lesson
We
were not made for isolation. God made us
to be social creatures who need each other.
With any relationship, there is an element of risk involved. The closer you get to someone, the more the
risk for great pain increases. However,
relationships are worth it, even if they end up bringing some measure of pain. A life of isolation and fear is no life at
all. I remember having this very conversation
with my spiritual mentor when I was struggling with the whole concept in high
school. We cannot experience the
blessings of relationship or impact others in any way if we hide behind a safe
wall of solitude.
The Application
Gradually,
as I healed, I remembered these truths, and I began to let myself connect
more. A part of me still hesitated with
the knowledge gnawing at the back of my mind that there was a good chance we
might be leaving again in a year or two.
Nevertheless, over time, we joined a life group, we started playing on
the worship team, and we started helping with youth group. We helped prepare and lead the church's
annual marriage conference, and I joined a ladies' Bible study. We stayed longer and longer after the church
service, and we started spending more evenings with friends.
Now,
after becoming deeply attached to so many people, the dreaded goodbyes are
taking place. As much as it hurts, and
as much as I hate being the cause of the mix of hurt and disappointment in some
of those we are leaving (for example, the mob of choked up and tearful teen
girls who dog-piled me when we revealed our plans for departure at youth group
and told me repeatedly that they didn't want us to leave), I know two things to
be true. 1) The relationships were still
worth it. 2) God has called us to take
this step, and He will continue to take care of both us and those we leave
behind. Though we will grieve as the
relationships change, we are thankful for our Scottsbluff family, and we are
glad that we will still be able to visit occasionally.
A
God Thing
After
the heartache of announcing our new life transition to several groups of
people, I was feeling pretty down and discouraged about our move. I was also worried that we might have to give
up our dogs in order to find a place to live.
I know that may seem silly (I know they are just dogs), but they were
such a tool that God used to comfort me in the times when I felt completely
alone, and they have been one outlet for my nurturing instincts in the midst of
our infertility journey. The thought of
having to give them up made my chest tie up in knots. I started praying that God would make His
provision clear, and I asked that He would allow us to keep the dogs. Still, as I ran into dead end after dead end
with landlords over the phone, I couldn't help but wonder if God was ultimately
going to say, "No."
This
weekend we went to Gothenburg to look at the few housing options that we were
able to scrounge up. You guys, God
absolutely blew us away! The rental He
provided is owned by fellow FSB (Frontier School of the Bible) grads and managed by the mother of one of Jon's
FSB classmates. The previous tenants are
also in ministry in Gothenburg and are related to a family that goes to the
church where I grew up and who used to coach Jon for soccer. The house has three bedrooms, two bathrooms,
a nice sized garage, and all the appliances we need, including a dishwasher
(which we haven't ever had!). It has
central heat and air conditioning, and it is beautifully updated. In addition to all of that, they are going to
let us have the dogs and are even willing to put up a fence! It's still hard for me to believe that it is
all real! I am so humbled, thankful, and
encouraged. This over-the-top provision
is just one more confirmation to me of our calling to Gothenburg. So, even though leaving hurts, I find comfort
in knowing that we are obeying God's leading.
