Joining in the Song

Moving is a lot like erasing an Etch a Sketch.  You can spend hours drawing a web of intricate details only to have it wiped away in seconds with one swipe.  On the one hand, losing all of that hard work can be a bit of a shock.  How many parents have had to console a distraught child who lost a precious masterpiece to the quick hand of a mischievous sibling?  On the other hand, the blank slate that is left behind whispers of endless possibilities.  Especially after the hectic weeks of moving preparation and the move itself, facing a nearly blank slate of a life can feel a bit surreal. 

The days since we finished the bulk of the unpacking (I can't stand living out of boxes, and clutter in my own home makes me crazy, so we made quick work of the task) have been fairly relaxed and quiet.  Worship team has taken off pretty smoothly so far.  We have a lunchtime meeting this Sunday so that Jon can introduce the team to Planning Center and share his vision for the ministry.  Youth group doesn't start up until September 10th, and so even though Jon has had some preparation work to do for that, we have had some room to breathe and take it all in.  A friend recently told me that her mom calls times like this "built-in breaks."  They aren't necessarily planned or expected on our part, but God gives them to us when He knows we need them. 

During my "built-in break," my readings in the Psalms have all seemed to say the same thing (usually an indication that I should probably pay attention).  For the past six days, I've read over and over again in Psalms 95-100 about joining all of creation in joyfully praising and worshiping my righteous, holy, faithful, loving, mighty, exalted, and just Creator.  I've always found it easier to quiet my mind when I am in a solitary place outdoors.  Something about watching the water from a small lake sparkle and dance in the sun and hearing leaves rustle gently in the breeze draws my heart closer to my Creator.  He truly has left evidence of Himself in His work, and I love the pictures that these Psalms paint of various parts of creation joyfully worshiping the One who made them.  I love even more that I am invited and called to join in their song, which cannot help but produce joy, peace, and healing as I allow my heart to bow and to exalt God to His proper place. 

God has been using a couple other vehicles to get my attention in this area as well.  The first is a Facebook support group that I recently joined for women who are waiting to become mothers.  The leader of the group is a Christian blogger and author whom I was first made aware of by a friend from Marysville.  The group as a whole has a much more positive atmosphere than some of the other support groups I've looked into.  It has several conversation threads under all sorts of topics.  There are places to share everything from our dreams of what type of baby announcement we would like to use to questions we have about infertility testing and procedures to date night ideas and beyond.  One thread that was encouraging and challenging to me this last week was the "Praise Report" thread, in which women simply shared praise reports of what God is doing in each of their lives, whether related to infertility or not.  It was such a cool way to stay positive, to see that God is still in control, and to connect with other ladies who are experiencing the same struggle in ways that are beyond the struggle itself. 

{p.s. If any of my reader friends out their who are also struggling with infertility or secondary infertility are interested in the group, let me know, and I'll get you connected!}

The other vehicle God has been using to draw my heart to worship, oddly enough, is a book written by two doctors titled Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility. I've already researched a ton and learned way more about the human body, hormones, female cycles, and the process of conception than I ever really cared to know before, but so far this book presents it all in such a clear, systematic, and in-depth way that it has given me a new appreciation for the miracle of life and the Designer of it all.   

In all of this, I've been reminded once again that I have a choice.  I am free to soak in misery, fear, and worry.  I am also free to find joy in worshiping my Creator regardless of my circumstances.    After all, if worship has become about me and my feelings, then the object of my worship is no longer God, is it?  I can join in the racket of moaning and complaining or I can add another harmony to the glad song that echoes through the mountains, rivers, and trees and rises to exalt the One who started it all. 

Praise Him, for He is good.  He is the God who sees and the God who provides.  He is the holy Creator who is coming to judge the world in righteousness and faithfulness.  He reigns, and He is clothed in strength, beauty, splendor, and majesty.  He is so worthy.  

When the Moon Blocks the Sun

For the past several weeks (in the midst of moving), I've been mulling over Psalm 73.  In it, Asaph (the writer) wrestles with the goodness of God; specifically, he seeks to resolve the tension between what he knows to be true and his seemingly contradictory experiences.  The gist of the Psalm goes something like this: "God I know You are good to Your people, but I've gotten so tripped up by what I've seen.  So many people who do horrible, wicked things and have no regard for You or Your ways have trouble-free lives.  Yet, those who love You and seek to obey You can't catch a break from hardship.  What's up with that, God?  What's the point of doing right if it only leads to more heartache and struggle?"  Then, Asaph turns his eyes from other people to his God, and he sees that in the end, his lot is far better than that of the godless who will be destroyed violently, swiftly, and suddenly.  He admits that in the midst of his pain and jealousy, he was stupid and lacking in understanding.   Yet, God still guided and counseled him gently through all of that.  He concludes the Psalm by reiterating what he declared at the beginning, but this time with more personal conviction: "But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works." 

Less than a week before we moved, I found out my thyroid levels were messed up again, and I had to have my Synthroid dosage increased again.  I went through another round of asking God the same questions Asaph asked and the same questions I know many others in the infertility community have asked:  I know I'm not anywhere near perfect, but why is this so hard for me when so many people who are not at all ready or fit to be parents can conceive a child instantly?  If teenage girls can get pregnant, why can't I see a positive pregnancy test?  If child abusers, drug addicts, and rapists can have children, why are my arms still empty?  If hundreds of thousands of unwanted babies are aborted each year in the U.S., why is the child I so desperately want still nothing more than a dream?  God, do You really have my good in mind if You are withholding what You say is a good gift and reward from me?  Like Asaph, my pain and bitterness clouded my understanding, and before I realized what was happening, I experienced another spiritual eclipse with the moon of my circumstances blocking out the sun of God's presence. 

The same God who guided and counseled Asaph in the midst of his pain-induced ignorance and senselessness guides and counsels me.  I've written so many times before that we have to align our perspective with God's perspective to find peace and understanding in the midst of difficult circumstances.  We have to fix our eyes on eternity instead of this temporary life.  I know this to be true, but I still have to choose it on a moment-by-moment basis.  I have to fix my eyes on Jesus and refuse to look away.  When the darkness falls around me, I have to remember that the Son has not changed or abandoned me.  He is still there, and it is only a short while before I will be able to see His glory clearly all around me again.  

The nearness of God IS my good.  That phrase leapt of the page the first time I read this Psalm, and it has lodged itself in my mind ever since.  I fall into the trap of thinking that "my good" equates to having a perfect marriage, a vibrant ministry, a great house, and children to call my own.  If those things don't fall into place, then how can I say that God is really good to me?  This type of thinking expects God to perform before we will accept Him as He is.  Yet, God accepts us and loves us without any regard for our performance.  Why do we assume that we can impose our own requirements on the God of the universe?

As my husband has taught several times to various groups of youth, God is the scale to measure goodness.  We can't weigh Him against other good things in order to draw comparisons.  He is the scale, the ruler,  the standard, the very definition and essence of goodness.  He just wants us to trust Him.  He is trustworthy because He is good and He does good.  The nearness of God is my good, and it is all I really need. He wants my heart, and He has already given me His.  There is no greater good than being near to God.  It's what we were made for.  All else in this life pales in comparison to knowing Him and walking with Him.