Fighting Fear

          

        The past couple of weeks have felt like a nearly constant battle with fear.  Between the frequent blood draws, the arrival of the medical billing estimate, and the information I’ve been reading about potential treatments, I’ve been overwhelmed at times.  I know in my head that God has got this all under control and that the end will be worth it (whether or not it results in a pregnancy), but my heart has trouble getting on board sometimes.  Questions keep rolling around in my mind:

Will today’s blood draw be a tolerable one, or one that is going to make me dread coming back again in two days? 

 What if the local lab doesn’t follow the instructions quite right or doesn’t get the completed series shipped off the right way to the lab in Omaha, and I have to do this all over again? 

 How in the world is this going to pan out financially?  What if Samaritan Ministries (our health sharing group) decides that none of my tests or my surgery will be publishable?

 What are the results going to show?  Are they going to make me take progesterone shots at home?  What kinds of havoc will my body and emotions go through if they have to adjust my hormones?  Will I have to have a second surgery?  What if they find something even more serious?      

All of this is out of my control, of course.  There is no point in dwelling on it, but letting go is so hard!  The timing of the Livin’ Out Loud concert was perfect for me.  Two songs that God has been using to quiet my mind were played: Fear is a Liar (performed by Zach Williams) and No Longer Slaves (performed by I Am They).  I wholeheartedly recommend listening to them if you are struggling with fear too. 

We were also privileged to hear the story of Justin Halbgewachs and his family.  He lost his wife to cancer and not long after was diagnosed with brain cancer himself.  He was given nine months to live.  Those nine months have come and gone, along with two brain surgeries.  After one of those surgeries, he woke up and was so thankful simply to know Jesus that he went and sang Amazing Grace with his three children.  You can check out more of the details of his story by visiting his website or by  following his personal Facebook account.  During his messages on Saturday and Sunday, Justin talked about how he had asked God to do whatever it would take to draw him closer to Himself.  Just a couple months later, he was diagnosed with cancer.  I know he has struggled too, but he was so relaxed and at peace in the way he talked.  He did not blame God, he wasn’t angry with God, and he was not bound by fear or grief.  He has learned to value what God values.  His eternal perspective gave him freedom and joy that was completely evident to those of us who saw him. 

The fact that God often uses suffering and difficult circumstances to grow us, develop our character, break down our idols, and draw us to Himself isn’t really easy to accept.  I wish growth could come easily, but the more of life I experience, the more I learn that suffering and pain are part of the package.  It’s not like God can’t relate.  I can say “Jesus died on the cross” without giving that statement hardly a second thought, but the reality of just what took place is something we can hardly comprehend.  If Jesus was not exempt from suffering in this life, why should I be?  We have the promise and hope of glory on the other side.  We know that the God who allows trials is good and trustworthy and that His plan is good, even though it includes hard things.

          If Justin can overcome his fear and face his circumstances of life with joy and worship, so can I.  So can you.  We don’t have to choose fear or listen to the lies.  Even when our circumstances loom heavy on our hearts, we can lift our eyes and reach out for help and hope.  God gives us His strength and everything we need to walk through anything that He asks of us.  He never leaves us, and He promises us that this life is not all there is. 

    

Phillips News & Summer Highlights

            This summer has felt remarkably similar to a time-lapse video.  For the blog, I’ve been missing in action through most of that time, so I decided to give you all some of the highlights and some of the lessons God has been teaching me (or re-enforcing) along the way. 

 

June

Maranatha Camps

For Jon, three of the four weeks in June were spent at Maranatha Bible Camp.  Each week he played a different role: cabin leader, emcee, and worship leader.  I visited camp occasionally during those weeks when I could.  While I missed having him at home (and I was admittedly a little jealous that I wasn’t able to be there too), I loved getting to see him invest in the lives of both campers and camp staff by using many of the ways God has gifted him.  During this time, we also both began walking alongside one of the camp staffers who had just graduated high school as she made some big decisions for this upcoming school year.         

 

Infertility: Re-Direct

In my last infertility update, I mentioned that we were looking into IUI.  As I researched, I still felt uneasy with that route, so I reached out to several friends who have gone through infertility.  One of those friends introduced me to NaProTechnology, Creighton Model Charting, and the Pope Paul VI Institute.  We decided to pursue that avenue of testing, and in June, my FertilityCare practitioner (who was teaching me the charting method) told me that she suspected I might have endometriosis, along with some other issues.  However, I had to complete two months of charting (which also involved several follow-up appointments with my teacher) before I could begin working with the doctors at the PPVI Institute in Omaha.       

New Nephew

In June, Jon’s brother and his wife welcomed their second child, Mark Erin Phillips III, into the world.  We now have five nephews and two nieces on that side!

July

Independence Day

By the 4^th of July, Maranatha still wasn’t sick of us, so they asked us to play some music for their big 4^th of July event.  It was another great opportunity for us to connect with some of Maranatha’s staff, and it was just plain fun!

            Infertility: Initial Consultation

I completed my two months of charting right as we were leaving for Grace Haven.  I had already gathered all of the necessary documents for a long-distance consultation with the PPVI Institute in Omaha (medical records, detailed cover letter, fee, etc.), so we put it all together, and dropped it off with my parents on the way to Utah so that they could get it sent off right after the weekend. 

Grace Haven Bible Camp

For the third consecutive year, Jon was asked to speak at Grace Haven Bible Camp in Utah.  This time, I was able to go with him (I am so thankful for a fairly flexible job and parents who were willing to take on our three dogs in addition to their own two for a whole week!).  There are some pretty awesome people whom we get to work with when we go out there (including some FSB alumni friends), and we have thoroughly enjoyed getting to see the familiar faces of several campers from year to year.  Grace Haven is a little out of my comfort zone as far as creepy-crawly things, rustic living, and extreme games, but I can’t help loving it anyway.  It’s good to be stretched. 

This year, I was so encouraged by the transformation we saw in one girl.  She came to Jon and I with a huge list of tough questions, and we spent a couple hours with her going over them.

(By the way, one of my absolute favorite things to do with my husband is to work together in counseling students.  We complement each other so well in being able to offer completely different perspectives, illustrations, and explanations.  These precious moments make me appreciate him so much!)     

We left that initial meeting a little discouraged because she was still unsure and confused about a few things.  As we prayed for her over the course of the week and as other camp leaders invested into her, eventually something clicked, and she put her faith in Christ not long before camp ended.  This was such a huge gesture of affection from God toward my own heart.  After having prayed for months and years about some things in my life with seemingly very little change, it overwhelmed my heart to see Him act so quickly and so drastically in this young girl’s life.          

Austin’s Wedding

The weekend after Grace Haven, one of our good friends from our life group in Scottsbluff got married.  Our life group transparently and vulnerably walked through some really tough seasons together, and they hold such a special place in our hearts.  I was reminded again of how important it is to be authentic and to intentionally pursue deep friendships.  We’ve talked before about how we never would have chosen each other.  If we hadn’t all gone to the same life group launch, we likely never would have become more than acquaintances.  God was so gracious to throw us all together in the midst of our mess, and I’m so glad we didn’t miss out because we weren’t willing to give each other a chance.   

  

Babysitting

The weekend after the wedding, I babysat our friends’ spunky, bright three-year-old in North Platte.  I also babysat her consistently from the age of 8 months to 13 months when we all lived in the panhandle.  This is another family we just absolutely adore.  While it was exhausting taking care of her largely by myself for the weekend (I have crazy respect for people who single parent), I love getting to be a part of her life.  She just brings so much joy.    

She’s currently in the “why” stage, and God used that to make me think about the ways that I ask Him the same question.  Sometimes it’s out of curiosity or a true desire to know the answer, but I know other times I use it as a way to try and make Him justify His actions or His commands to me.  He is God and I am not, and I don’t always have to know why in order to be obedient or to trust His character.             

August

            Infertility: Review Letter & Beginning Testing

On August 1, we received our consultation letter from the doctor in Omaha who reviewed our case.  She agreed with my charting teacher that my charts and history displayed several characteristics of a variety of issues, including endometriosis.  She recommended a whole slew of tests, starting with a thorough hormone evaluation.  I will get my blood drawn locally approximately thirteen times in the span of a month, and then it will all be shipped to the National Hormone Lab in Omaha so they can run the tests themselves.  Many of the other tests (including diagnostic surgery) will occur under anesthesia during a 7-10 day stay in Omaha.  Within 6-8 weeks, someone will call me to schedule the stay in Omaha.  The stay itself will likely be in 3-4 months, since that is the typical wait time for all of their doctors.  At the end of the testing, the doctor will meet with me to discuss the results and treatment options.  I started the blood draws this last Saturday.  One day, I was feeling particularly fearful about the blood draws and about the potential treatments I was reading about (progesterone shots sound like torture), and I opened my devotional book to see the title “Do Not Fear” and the verse 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”  This was another sweet moment for me to realize that yes, God still sees me.    

Sterling

The first weekend in August involved a wedding, my sister-in-law’s baby shower (nephew #6 –  #1 one on my side – is due to arrive in just a few weeks!), Grandma Ruth’s 80^th birthday party, and worship service at the church I grew up in.  My mom asked me to come down for the weekend to help her with the many cakes and cupcakes she had gotten herself into.  The weekend was insanely busy, but I enjoyed getting to take part in all of the festivities, getting to spend time with my parents, and getting to briefly see so many people from my childhood.      

 

Class Reunion Weekend

This weekend was no less busy.  On Friday, I went to North Platte for a monthly life group made up of several Berean pastors’ wives (led by the wife of the president of the fellowship – Diane Mathis).  Spending time with other ministry wives has been so valuable!  Saturday’s main event was my 10^th year high school reunion.  Once we got past the slightly awkward beginning phase, Jon and I settled in and caught up with some people I’ve kept contact with and others I haven’t seen in years.  The trip to Sterling was a fast one because we had to drive back to be in Gothenburg for Family Day at The Crossing Fellowship.  Family Day involved worship led by the children’s ministry, a child dedication, a sermon about parenting, a potluck lunch, giant inflatable bounce houses, a slip ‘n slide, ga-ga ball, and a dunk tank to raise money for Backpacks for Kids.      

Visits from Utah Friends

One of the perks of living near I-80 is that we have friends coming through one direction or the other all the time!  One of our favorite ministry families from Utah was driving home this weekend after visiting relatives and stopped by for the Family Day service.  We didn’t get to see them while we were at Grace Haven this year, so we were super excited that they took the time to stop!  We also have another friend from Utah (and FSB alum) who might stop by this next week on his way home!        

Upcoming

Livin’ Out Loud

We are looking forward to Livin’ Out Loud next weekend: the annual free Christian concert that takes place essentially right in our backyard.  My parents are planning on coming to take part, and we will also have a booth for Catalyst Student Ministries this year.    

Catalyst Resumes

The weekend after Livin’ Out Loud, Catalyst Student Ministries will resume with lots of new changes!  You can check those out in the newsletter I shared earlier this week on my Facebook feed if you are curious, but we are stoked to get youth group kicked off again (we just had sporadic big events throughout the summer instead of meeting weekly) and to see what all God has in store for that ministry this year!  

If you made it all the way through this post, I am impressed!  I know so many of you reading this have invested in us in one way or another, and we are so thankful for you all!  For me, the over-arching theme of the summer has been community.  I mentioned so many different groups of people from so many different stages and areas of my life, and I just can’t imagine what life would be like without them.  People are so valuable, even to an introvert like myself.  I am so amazed at how God brings us into each other’s lives at just the right times and in just the right places.  I could go on and on about it, but since this post is already ridiculously long, I will simply say, thank you for being in my life (even if it is only in a small way).  Also, if you are one of those long distance friends and you need a stopping place on I-80, hit me up!  We’d love to see you!