Love and Happiness

          My husband recently used an illustration in one of his “One Minute Messages” that I’m going to borrow here.  Our weather has been particularly deceiving this last week.  Sunshine is usually equivalent to warmth.  Many days this week, the sun shone beautifully and invitingly, but instead of heat, we were met with arctic blasts of negative degree air when we opened the door.  We were a little disillusioned when our experience was nothing like what we expected based on what we knew about the sun. 

Similarly, many of us equate romantic love with happiness: if the rays of true love are shining, then we should naturally feel the warmth of happiness.  Why wouldn’t we believe that?  Our culture bombards us with that very message.  Nearly every children’s love story ends with “and they lived happily ever after.”  This becomes a serious problem when we experience an inevitable frosty season in a relationship that makes us profoundly unhappy.  If we are unhappy (even after we have made our marriage vows), we assume that something must be wrong, that we must not love the other person, or that we aren’t meant to be together.  All relationships experience difficulty to one degree or another, and happiness is fleeting and fickle at best.  If love is based on happiness alone, it cannot  and will not withstand the test of time.  

  

            In between reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (you may have seen some of my quote posts from this book on the We Are Seen Facebook page) and preparing for Valentine’s Day (The Crossing is hosting a Desserts & Dancing evening), the topic of love has been on my mind frequently.  Saturday’s chapter emphasized 2 Thessalonians 3:5: “May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ.”  These two things, the love of God and the steadfastness (or perseverance) of Christ, are contrary to what the culture teaches us about love and relationships.  The culture’s love is selfish – focused largely on self-fulfillment, pleasure, lust, emotion, and superficial connection.  The love of God is selfless – it gives to the point of dying, it endures because it is a commitment (or covenant), it continues regardless of reciprocation, and it involves such deep and intimate knowledge that it demands the practice of showing grace and mercy, for none of us are very loveable when the deepest recesses of our hearts are exposed.  God is love (1 Jn.4:8), and any “love” that does not match up with His character is not love at all.  It might be infatuation or obsession, but it is not love. 

            The culture’s perseverance is also based on its happiness, which means it is not really perseverance at all.  Unhappiness, “falling out of love,” and becoming too different are all accepted reasons for divorce.  Many couples bail once the ease of the infatuation wears off and the hard work of building a substantial relationship begins to take its toll.  If love and marriage are primarily rooted in the idol of happiness, then it makes sense to bail.  However, Jesus is our standard for love, and marriage is supposed to be a picture to the lost world of His reconciling, self-giving relationship with the Church.  This is a much higher calling, purpose, and goal than simply our own happiness.  Christ endured unthinkable hatred, opposition, and suffering at the very hands of the ones He loved (which includes us).  Yet, He never retaliated or cursed those who attacked Him.  He has promised never to leave us or forsake us (Heb. 13:5), even though we still often break His heart with our sin and faithlessness. Even while we were against Him and steeped in our sin, He humbled Himself to the point of infancy, walked the earth with us, and then gave His life for us (Rom. 5:8).  This is unconditional love – this is true love.  A love that cannot survive and forgive any pain and suffering, particularly at the hand of the beloved, cannot persevere. 

This love is a choice and a commitment that must be kept – not a feeling over which we have no control.  That is why we need vows to enter a marriage.  Of course there are times when that love generates feelings of happiness, but we must be careful not to confuse the two.  For true love must press on through the mundane, through the struggle, through the hurt, through the unmet expectations, and yes, through the cold seasons of unhappiness in addition to the seasons of celebration and elation.  This love and perseverance can only be produced as an outpouring of a relationship with the Source of love Himself.  He alone can teach us to die to ourselves and our desires for eternal happiness in order to show us a much greater way – a holy life and a holy love, not unmarked by the refining fires of suffering and sadness, that reflect and give glory and honor back to the One who gave us breath.  “We love because He first loved us” (1 Jn. 4:19).        

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Love Keeps No Records

Record-keeping is my jam.  If it can be quantified, listed, color-coded, or categorized, I’ve got a spreadsheet, an app, a binder, or a file for it.  For our Pope Paul VI testing alone, I have a journal, a hard file (with dividers, of course), and an e-file (with sub-files and sub-sub-files).  The information pack-rat inside of me insists on keeping anything that may be necessary to reference in the future, and my firstborn tendencies demand that I keep it all organized enough that it can be readily and easily accessed.  Such is the life of an accountant’s daughter.

My passion for keeping neat, accurate records arises, at least in part, from my beaver personality (read The Two Sides of Love by Gary Smalley & John Trent).  We beavers are known for our affinity for precision, accuracy, and detail, but we are also characterized by our emphasis on the past.  We put a lot of stock into what has already happened, and our thoughts and decisions are often rooted in the past.  Before jumping in, we like to see that an idea or method has been tested and proven to be practical and effective over time.  Shady track records and patterns of inconsistency are nearly impossible for us to overlook.  These God-given traits are good and necessary for many aspects of society, work, and life to function.  However, as with any other personality traits, they lend themselves to certain weaknesses when misused or taken to extremes.       

Last week, we started a series at The Crossing Fellowship titled “The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating.”  On a side note, my husband is going to be delivering the message on sex; I haven’t decided for sure whether or not I should go MIA that weekend (kidding…sort of …).  Anyway, during last week’s message we talked about chemistry problems versus relationship problems, becoming the right person instead of looking for (or trying to make your spouse into) the “right” person, and what love in a relationship really looks like.  Check out the full message here, or visit The Crossing’s Facebook page here.  We spent some time in 1 Corinthians 13, and the end of one verse grabbed onto me in a way that it never has before: “[love] keeps no record of being wronged” (NLT).

I rarely lash out, and I am not easily provoked to all-out anger, but we’ve already established that I am assuredly a record-keeper, and this area is no exception.  Of course I don’t keep physical, written records of all the ways I’ve been hurt or irritated, but they are written in my heart and mind just the same.  When I am not very careful and intentional to keep short accounts by dealing with the hurt, sealing up those records with forgiveness, and letting them go through trust in my God, they simmer and intensify with bitterness as the record lengthens.  I have some golden retriever (another Smalley/Trent reference) in me too that prefers to keep the peace and avoid confrontation as much as possible, which only exacerbates the problem.  As I reach the boiling point, smaller things upset me much more quickly, and I begin to burn everyone around me as the turmoil in my heart inevitably bubbles to the surface (we talked about this extensively at The Crossing in the series “Me & My Big Mouth”). 

I have a long way to go, but God is teaching me to love better.  He is constantly reminding me that He does not keep a record of my sins and that I need to love and forgive as He loves and forgives.  He tugs at my heart and lets me know when I need to deal with something, and I’m trying to listen and be more eagerly obedient to that nudge.  I am also learning that sometimes I have to be willing to look past the track record and see people as God sees them.  In His eyes, I am already glorified in Christ (Rom. 8:29, 30).  In His eyes, they are either glorified in Christ or lost in their unbelief.  Either way, they are a work in progress just as I am, they are valuable, and they need to be shown love and respect.  Our lead pastor, Eric, has often encouraged us to treat our spouses (or anyone, for that matter) as if they are already the person we hope they will become.  Isn’t that how we want to be treated?  We all need people to believe in us and who we can become through Christ.  Even though I naturally look to the past, I am learning to turn my eyes instead to the future – to ditch my records and, with hope, trust in God and what He can and will do in me and in those around me.

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Busyness, Birds, & Boundless Love

            

            Have you ever eaten so much food that you felt like one more bite would literally make you explode?  Our schedule for the past two months has felt much like that uncomfortably over-fed stomach.  It has been filled with awesome opportunities that we have enjoyed immensely. However, much like that last bite of blueberry cheesecake that sent me over my stomach’s maximum capacity many years ago (disgusting and TMI, I know, but that's the analogy my brain came up with), too much of a good thing in too short of a time frame can have some unpleasant side effects (for example, exhaustion and irritability).  I know better than to let my schedule get so packed, but I really struggle with intentionally slowing down and making sure I have time for rest and quietness. 

            Thankfully, I have a God and a husband who both love me enough to save me from my self-destructive tendency to overwork myself.  We just recently attended the Continuous Worship Conference at Maranatha Bible Camp, and between God’s tug on my heart and my husband’s encouragement, I found myself skipping the workshop times (something that definitely goes against my “by the book” personality) in favor of  (1) spending some unhurried and unscheduled time with a friend and of (2) being still before my Creator in the midst of the beauty of camp.  Honestly, I had been less than excited that we were going to be away from home AGAIN for a few days, but our time there was so needed.  I didn’t have any leadership roles or specific responsibilities (besides snuggling my friend’s baby while she played piano for the worship sets), and it was rejuvenating to simply be a participant with some room to breathe and reflect.  I was reminded once again just how important and crucial rest really is.  In the general sessions, we talked quite a bit about idols, and the whole conference made me realize how easy it is for me to make productivity and busyness an idol.

            Knowing that my distracted heart needed some work, I dragged myself off of the hamster wheel during the second set of workshops and sought out a quiet spot to talk to God and to listen.  The day was beautiful, and I could feel the warmth of the sun, softened by a mellow breeze, sink into my skin as I sat on the concrete steps that overlook part of the lake.  While listening to and mulling over the lyrics from one of the new worship songs from the conference, a large bird appeared and flew with swift and smooth movements over the water for several minutes.  I expected him to dive and catch a fish at any moment, but he just continued to fly.  I marveled at the beauty of the scene before me.  Suddenly, my heart was overwhelmed with a sense of God’s love for me.

            You see, I have often described my state during the several years that led up to our move to Scottsbluff as that of a caged bird; I felt utterly trapped, alone, and hopeless.  Then, after months of prayer, God rocked my world with change and the restoration of hope, fellowship, and freedom.  I was incredibly grateful and excited to be freed from the cage, but I was deeply hurt in the process.  Thus, I transitioned from feeling like a caged bird to feeling like a wounded bird; I had hope that I would be whole once again, but in the meantime, I was stuck on the ground with my distrust, pain, disillusionment, and impatience.  As I’ve experienced more and more healing, I have also been re-learning how to fly.  I’ve gotten frustrated as I’ve experienced cycles of getting airborne, crashing and burning, and then getting airborne again.  Then, God sends this beautiful bird who could fly effortlessly right before my eyes.  Lately, I would have called it a coincidence.  However, Pastor Scott Mathis reminded us at the conference that “coincidence is just God working incognito.”  It may seem silly, but that bird was another of His gracious reminders to me that He sees me and loves me. 

           

“Yet those who wait for the LORD

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.”

Isaiah 40:31

            As wonderful, sweet, and personal as God’s gift of the bird was to me, nothing could compare to the gift of His Son.  This Friday, we will commemorate His sacrifice: the ultimate, complete, and perfect expression of His love.    

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 5:8

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.”

John 3:16

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.”

Ephesians 2:4-6

“We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.”

1 John 3:16

“Who will separate us from the love of Christ?  Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  Just as it is written, ‘For Your sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’  But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:35-39              

            How could I ever doubt or forget His love?  How could I ever trample on His grace?  Yet, I do sometimes.  I choose, at times, to ignore and numb the pain of life by self-medicating with constant work in one form or another instead of running to the Healer.  I choose, at times, to rely on my own understanding in stubborn independence instead of trusting in Him completely with complete dependence.  I choose, at times, to walk in my sinful nature instead of His Spirit.  In spite of all that, He still loves me, and He still continues to work on transforming my heart.  What grace and what love are found in Jesus!     

(Herbie), The Love Bus

  In honor of Valentine’s Day:

My husband’s additions and comments are in blue lettering inside parenthesis.  He also added "Herbie" to the title.

Stanley Mission

Once upon a time, there was a young woman between her third and fourth years of college who was fed up with men.  In spite of this, she was excited about every other aspect of life and the things God was teaching her at the time, and she happily traveled approximately 1200 miles on the road to spend two weeks in a First Nations community teaching young children about Jesus with a group from her home church.  She had heard that another group would be travelling up to join them for the second week, but she didn’t give that fact much thought until someone mentioned that the newcomers would include several young men.  While some of the high school girls in her group were giddy with excitement, she, quite frankly, was rather annoyed at the prospect.  Picturing unruly, obnoxious, and over-confident young miscreants (ha ha… “miscreants”)  who had very little concept of how to appropriately obtain attention, she found herself mildly dreading their arrival. 

Jon's Band Days

At the start of the second week, she watched with suspicious curiosity as everyone piled out of the large school bus.  Then, something unexpected happened.  She recognized some of the faces.  Several years ago, during her first mission trip to northern Saskatchewan, she had met a couple of girls who, upon returning home, had invited her to a concert.  At this concert, her friends introduced her to the band members, with whom she then had occasional minimal contact whenever her youth group and their youth group had combined events or whenever the band performed a concert in her area.  Two of those band members (brothers) exited the bus along with the new wife of the older brother.  Maybe some of these newcomers might not be so unbearable after all (which sounds like we were invading your island).  At least they were close to her age. 

It's a little embarrassing how obvious this is...

Not much time passed before the younger brother caught the young woman’s attention.  He was a year younger than her, and she remembered him as the scrawny and fairly reserved (if not even slightly unfriendly) bass player with wildly long, curly hair that hid his face as he played.  He had been nowhere near being on her radar before, especially considering the fact that they had both been dating other people when their paths had crossed before (and the young woman had previously had a fancy for the older brother).  Now, his red hair was much shorter, his build was that of a young man who had  just spent a year in ROTC, the scruffy chinstrap that adorned his face (what is this, Song of Solomon?)  made him look much closer to her age, and he didn’t come across nearly as cold as he had before.  She watched as he led the three and four year olds in some sort of game that involved him running back and forth within a rectangle of orange cones with the mob of crazy little munchkins following closely at his heels. 

This picture is also a little embarrassing for me, but Jon told me later that he was singing straight to me when they sang "Collide" by Howie Day, so I know he was just as aware of my presence.  

Though she tried to stay focused on the ministry at hand, she didn’t resist the little moments of flirting that started to surface.  She listened intently as he played guitar with his brother and sang the harmony parts to various songs.  She saw him walking by as she was playing frisbee with one of the kids, and she accidentally threw the frisbee straight at him.  He still swears to this day that the throw was intentional, but she knows that it really was just bad aim on her part (you lie!).  The young man asked her to hold his hoodie while he participated in some of the Canadian Independence Day competitions.  She was impressed with how fast he completed the running portion and couldn’t help but smile when he and his Canadian partner dominated in the canoe portion.  She also noticed that, though their seating arrangement at meal times was determined by an older adult who set out cups with everyone’s names on them, she still kept ending up next to him, across from him, or diagonal from him.  He now admits that he moved the cups after they were set out.

Cup Switching Results

When the day came for them to return home, the young man’s father kept asking the young woman if she wanted to ride in the smaller, more comfortable vehicle instead of the bus.  She was too embarrassed to admit to her true reasons, but eventually she convinced him that she really did want to ride in the bus.  She walked onto the bus and didn’t see the young man yet, so she chose an empty seat.  Her heart sank a little when a different young man sat down next to her.  However, her hopes were not completely vanquished.  They weren’t on the road long before the band member came and joined her and her travelling companion to play a few card games.  Eventually, they ended up in the same seat, and the travelling companion relocated when he started feeling like a third wheel (the young man and woman had to apologize to him later for that).  They talked for the rest of the long bus ride as the young man’s father watched in the rearview mirror and as his sister-in-law placed a bet that the two would get married. 

At the Airport

Once they were finally home, they exchanged phone numbers.  Within the following week, they started dating, and then the young woman left for a five-week mission trip to Europe.  They e-mailed each other when they could, and the young woman sent him a letter from Italy.  She was to return the day before school started again at Frontier School of the Bible.  Neither of them was sure whether the young man would be accepted at Frontier or return to school in Ohio before she came back to the States.  She rejoiced when, near the end of her trip, she received the news that he had been accepted at Frontier (I feel like I should be reading this with a Pride and Prejudice accent).  He drove to Denver so that he would be there when her plane landed, and he picked her up and twirled her in a tight hug as her mission trip friends all oo-ed and aw-ed.  After sixth months, they got engaged (a story for another time), and about one year after they started dating, the young man’s sister-in-law won her bet, and the bus has forever since been dubbed “The Love Bus” by the young man’s father.