Love and Happiness

          My husband recently used an illustration in one of his “One Minute Messages” that I’m going to borrow here.  Our weather has been particularly deceiving this last week.  Sunshine is usually equivalent to warmth.  Many days this week, the sun shone beautifully and invitingly, but instead of heat, we were met with arctic blasts of negative degree air when we opened the door.  We were a little disillusioned when our experience was nothing like what we expected based on what we knew about the sun. 

Similarly, many of us equate romantic love with happiness: if the rays of true love are shining, then we should naturally feel the warmth of happiness.  Why wouldn’t we believe that?  Our culture bombards us with that very message.  Nearly every children’s love story ends with “and they lived happily ever after.”  This becomes a serious problem when we experience an inevitable frosty season in a relationship that makes us profoundly unhappy.  If we are unhappy (even after we have made our marriage vows), we assume that something must be wrong, that we must not love the other person, or that we aren’t meant to be together.  All relationships experience difficulty to one degree or another, and happiness is fleeting and fickle at best.  If love is based on happiness alone, it cannot  and will not withstand the test of time.  

  

            In between reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (you may have seen some of my quote posts from this book on the We Are Seen Facebook page) and preparing for Valentine’s Day (The Crossing is hosting a Desserts & Dancing evening), the topic of love has been on my mind frequently.  Saturday’s chapter emphasized 2 Thessalonians 3:5: “May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ.”  These two things, the love of God and the steadfastness (or perseverance) of Christ, are contrary to what the culture teaches us about love and relationships.  The culture’s love is selfish – focused largely on self-fulfillment, pleasure, lust, emotion, and superficial connection.  The love of God is selfless – it gives to the point of dying, it endures because it is a commitment (or covenant), it continues regardless of reciprocation, and it involves such deep and intimate knowledge that it demands the practice of showing grace and mercy, for none of us are very loveable when the deepest recesses of our hearts are exposed.  God is love (1 Jn.4:8), and any “love” that does not match up with His character is not love at all.  It might be infatuation or obsession, but it is not love. 

            The culture’s perseverance is also based on its happiness, which means it is not really perseverance at all.  Unhappiness, “falling out of love,” and becoming too different are all accepted reasons for divorce.  Many couples bail once the ease of the infatuation wears off and the hard work of building a substantial relationship begins to take its toll.  If love and marriage are primarily rooted in the idol of happiness, then it makes sense to bail.  However, Jesus is our standard for love, and marriage is supposed to be a picture to the lost world of His reconciling, self-giving relationship with the Church.  This is a much higher calling, purpose, and goal than simply our own happiness.  Christ endured unthinkable hatred, opposition, and suffering at the very hands of the ones He loved (which includes us).  Yet, He never retaliated or cursed those who attacked Him.  He has promised never to leave us or forsake us (Heb. 13:5), even though we still often break His heart with our sin and faithlessness. Even while we were against Him and steeped in our sin, He humbled Himself to the point of infancy, walked the earth with us, and then gave His life for us (Rom. 5:8).  This is unconditional love – this is true love.  A love that cannot survive and forgive any pain and suffering, particularly at the hand of the beloved, cannot persevere. 

This love is a choice and a commitment that must be kept – not a feeling over which we have no control.  That is why we need vows to enter a marriage.  Of course there are times when that love generates feelings of happiness, but we must be careful not to confuse the two.  For true love must press on through the mundane, through the struggle, through the hurt, through the unmet expectations, and yes, through the cold seasons of unhappiness in addition to the seasons of celebration and elation.  This love and perseverance can only be produced as an outpouring of a relationship with the Source of love Himself.  He alone can teach us to die to ourselves and our desires for eternal happiness in order to show us a much greater way – a holy life and a holy love, not unmarked by the refining fires of suffering and sadness, that reflect and give glory and honor back to the One who gave us breath.  “We love because He first loved us” (1 Jn. 4:19).        

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