Do you ever feel like someone hit the pause button on your life? Everything seems to be moving along, meshing together, and making sense when you suddenly find yourself getting launched into the air, and you wonder whether you will hit the ground running or shattered into a million little pieces. Just a couple of days ago, I was cruising on a highway that I traverse almost daily, and I had to slam on the brakes twice to avoid hitting two pairs of deer within a few miles of each other. There was a brief moment each time after I had seen the deer and responded accordingly where it was as though I was suspended in time. In a few seconds, I would either crash into the deer, or I would miss them and gradually resume my speed with my heart still pounding in my chest. I had done what I could, and at that point all that was left was to wait to see the outcome. Those moments of waiting, of anticipation, and of hanging in the unknown following unexpected circumstances can make us feel like life is stuck dangling over the abyss and that we are powerless to do anything but wait.
When I've been faced with these "life pauses" (which has been much too frequently for my liking lately), my tendency has been to try to gain more control and to doubt God's love and His plan. The more I succumb to that tendency, the more I find myself swimming in fear, anger, sadness, frustration, and worry when I could be resting in God's peace, power, promises, and preeminence. When burden after burden and bad circumstance after bad circumstance start to pile up on my heart and thrust me into seasons of waiting, I have to make a choice. I can seek my Lord for His guidance, comfort, freedom, and peace, or I can try to fix everything on my own (in which case I really have no business calling Him my Lord). I've chosen the latter more than I'd like to admit, and I'm always faced with the reality that trying to fix my life on my own is futile. Not only that, but in the attempt to do so, I grow to hate seasons of waiting and the painful experiences that often bring them about.
Yet, God tells me in His Word that I am to be thankful for trials (painful as they may be) and that I am to wait patiently on Him. Both are crucial to the development of my character. He never promised that my transformation would be painless, comfortable, and quick. I am privileged to be a part of the worship team for Vacation Bible School at my church this week, and one of the songs describes this truth perfectly. It is titled "Diamonds" by Hawk Nelson. Check it out using the following link:
As if the lyrics in the song weren't enough, God showed me a vivid illustration of the purpose of life's pauses and pain within the music itself as I was playing with the band. As the vocalists repeat the words of the bridge, the instrumentalists begin to build in volume, technicality, and intensity. Finally, after the bridge is repeated three times, the full instrumental sound climaxes with a crash on the symbols (by my studly husband, I might add) before suddenly dropping out completely while the voices alone ring out. This empty sound lasts only for a couple measures before the band jumps back in with full force and resolve. The section I just described is my favorite part of the whole song. There is beauty in the complexity, the unity, and the variation that comes with the sound of the band as a whole, and yet, there is an equal beauty expressed through those few moments where everything is stripped away and the voices alone hang suspended in the air in anticipation of the coming return of the instruments. Combined, the two techniques make for a powerful, goose-bump worthy effect. Alone, they wouldn't have nearly the same impact. Those simple, empty measures may seem boring and unnecessary, but they are anything but that when they are heard in the arrangement of the entire song.
God drew my attention to the fact that my life pauses are much like those measures. I may not enjoy them in and of themselves, but when I see my life as a whole from God's perspective, I can see that they serve several important purposes. I mentioned one of the purposes earlier, which is to transform us and make us more like Him. Another purpose is to bring us back to a point of complete surrender and dependence. In times of uncertainty as everything gets stripped away, we are confronted with the idols in our lives and the areas where we are striving to be independent from God. We see more clearly how much we are trusting in money when we lose our jobs and watch our bank accounts dwindle. When God moves us away from all of our close friends and family, we may see how much we were relying on them to fulfill our deepest needs instead of the One who created us. As our doctors share with us that they found cancer in the people we love, we begin to wonder if we really are okay with God's will no matter what it its. If we were to lose everything in this world, what would we have left? When everything else fades to the background, Christ shines forth as the only One that matters, superior above all else. Once we are completely centered on Him, we can truly enjoy the beauty of the life He has given to us and appreciate His good gifts apart from the bonds of entitlement, false security, independence, and self-glorification and regardless of what circumstances we find ourselves in.
God has also used my current life pauses to remind me of who He is and to show Himself in my life. In the midst of my doubt and unfaithfulness, He has been so faithful to express to me in tangible ways that He still loves me, listens to me, and provides for my needs. He has spoken to my heart through timely sermons at church, songs on the radio, and chapters in my devotionals by Elisabeth Elliot. He has encouraged me through close friends who accept me as I am and who listen to understand, and He even provided for a desire that I had not specifically requested of Him. He sees my heart, and when I doubt His love, He always points me back to His Son. If there is anyone worthy of my trust and my patience during life's pauses, it is Him.
This
is one of the many lessons God has been re-enforcing in my heart lately. So much about my short little story so far is
not what I would have chosen to write for myself, but it’s ultimately not about
me. I’m just one small portion of a much
larger narrative. For months, I’ve been
arguing with God, and during that time I have found it hard to know what to
write about for my blog. Finally, I
think I’m starting to grasp just a little of what He’s been trying to get
through to me, and suddenly He has flooded my mind with words to write. As a result, this post is an introduction to
a five-part series in which I intend to share a few chapters from my story and
some ways that I’m learning to accept and live this life that I didn’t expect
to be living (ultimately, learning once again to truly surrender my life to
God’s will, no matter what that may be).
Each post will also include some glimpses into the life of a Bible
character who walked a similar path or experienced the same struggles. It might get a little messy. I am a sinner with a lot to learn (thank God
for His grace!), but I’d love for you to join me on this journey of figuring
out what to do with a life unexpected. 
