Lessons on Leaving

The News

            For those who missed my husband's post: part of our waiting season is over!  A couple of weeks ago, Jon accepted a position as the youth and worship pastor at The Crossing Fellowship in Gothenburg, NE.  Now, we are working hard to finish out our current jobs and working through my somewhat daunting moving to-do list.  We are incredibly excited to be returning to full-time ministry and to be developing a whole new set of relationships.  However, this transition, like most transitions, is bittersweet.  

The Background

I've mentioned before that embracing change has always been a struggle for me.  Uprooting and starting from scratch 3 times in the past 3 years is not at all something I would have chosen for myself.  Yet, God has worked and is still working through it all.  By His grace, I'm learning to be a more flexible and willing follower.  Even so, saying goodbye is not any less painful. 

My family has always been pretty deeply rooted in Colorado.  I lived in the same house from the age of 2 to 20, and many of my relatives lived in the same town or close to it.  I still get together with friends I met in elementary school.  My network of relationships was pretty stable and unchanging for the most part throughout my childhood.  It wasn't really until high school that I began to experience what it was like for people to leave. 

As my older friends graduated and left for college, I started questioning the point of fostering deep relationships.  The more I cared about someone, the more it hurt to lose them.  Even if I knew I would see them again, the relationship still had to change to some extent, and it was still painful.  Why should I put myself through that?  Then, I started going on short term mission trips, and I got a taste of what it was like to be the one leaving behind people whom I had grown to love in just a short couple of weeks.  Leaving wasn't any easier than being left, and the older I got, the more frequently I experienced the heartaches of leaving and being left.  I started to really see just how transient relationships could be. 

When we moved to Scottsbluff, we had just endured the most painful leaving experience of my life.  The faces of those we left behind haunted me.  My heart was horribly mangled and my trust was shattered. Not only that, but I was embarrassed about having to leave full-time ministry after a short year and a half, and I really didn't want to talk to anyone about it.  That was strike one against investing in relationships in Scottsbluff.  I am naturally an introvert who was painfully shy as a kid.  As I grew up, I learned to branch out more, but in my pain, I still often give in to my natural tendency to withdraw.  Strike two.  I also knew that our move to Scottsbluff was likely a temporary time of healing until God called us back into full-time ministry.  Strike three.  With a few exceptions, I largely held back from people and remained guarded for the first several months of our time in Scottsbluff. 

The Lesson

We were not made for isolation.  God made us to be social creatures who need each other.  With any relationship, there is an element of risk involved.  The closer you get to someone, the more the risk for great pain increases.  However, relationships are worth it, even if they end up bringing some measure of pain.  A life of isolation and fear is no life at all.  I remember having this very conversation with my spiritual mentor when I was struggling with the whole concept in high school.  We cannot experience the blessings of relationship or impact others in any way if we hide behind a safe wall of solitude. 

The Application

Gradually, as I healed, I remembered these truths, and I began to let myself connect more.  A part of me still hesitated with the knowledge gnawing at the back of my mind that there was a good chance we might be leaving again in a year or two.  Nevertheless, over time, we joined a life group, we started playing on the worship team, and we started helping with youth group.  We helped prepare and lead the church's annual marriage conference, and I joined a ladies' Bible study.  We stayed longer and longer after the church service, and we started spending more evenings with friends. 

Now, after becoming deeply attached to so many people, the dreaded goodbyes are taking place.  As much as it hurts, and as much as I hate being the cause of the mix of hurt and disappointment in some of those we are leaving (for example, the mob of choked up and tearful teen girls who dog-piled me when we revealed our plans for departure at youth group and told me repeatedly that they didn't want us to leave), I know two things to be true.  1) The relationships were still worth it.  2) God has called us to take this step, and He will continue to take care of both us and those we leave behind.  Though we will grieve as the relationships change, we are thankful for our Scottsbluff family, and we are glad that we will still be able to visit occasionally.

A God Thing

After the heartache of announcing our new life transition to several groups of people, I was feeling pretty down and discouraged about our move.  I was also worried that we might have to give up our dogs in order to find a place to live.  I know that may seem silly (I know they are just dogs), but they were such a tool that God used to comfort me in the times when I felt completely alone, and they have been one outlet for my nurturing instincts in the midst of our infertility journey.  The thought of having to give them up made my chest tie up in knots.  I started praying that God would make His provision clear, and I asked that He would allow us to keep the dogs.  Still, as I ran into dead end after dead end with landlords over the phone, I couldn't help but wonder if God was ultimately going to say, "No."

This weekend we went to Gothenburg to look at the few housing options that we were able to scrounge up.  You guys, God absolutely blew us away!  The rental He provided is owned by fellow FSB (Frontier School of the Bible) grads and managed by the mother of one of Jon's FSB classmates.  The previous tenants are also in ministry in Gothenburg and are related to a family that goes to the church where I grew up and who used to coach Jon for soccer.  The house has three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a nice sized garage, and all the appliances we need, including a dishwasher (which we haven't ever had!).  It has central heat and air conditioning, and it is beautifully updated.  In addition to all of that, they are going to let us have the dogs and are even willing to put up a fence!  It's still hard for me to believe that it is all real!  I am so humbled, thankful, and encouraged.  This over-the-top provision is just one more confirmation to me of our calling to Gothenburg.  So, even though leaving hurts, I find comfort in knowing that we are obeying God's leading.