Photo by Lindholm Photography
A Curious Surprise
My brows furrowed in confusion, and my mom looked amused. I’m not sure how old I was, but I was young enough to be surprised by the revelation that my friends with brown skin and white parents were adopted. I had known the two boys for as long as I could remember; our families went to the same church and often got together for playdates and a few holiday celebrations. Yet, their family’s mismatching skin had never struck me as unusual. I was still years away from learning about basic genetic principles. The initial surprise quickly dissipated and changed nothing; I still knew who their parents were.
My Mission for a Sister
For years, my understanding of adoption remained minimal and influenced by movies like The Rescuers and Matilda. Despite being questionable informants, stories like these awakened compassion in me for kids who didn’t have the stable, safe, and loving home that I had. That compassion rolled over me like a flood one day when the poster at Wendy’s caught my eye as my family waited in line to order lunch. The Colorado Heart Gallery poster featured children who were waiting for their forever homes. I studied the rows of pictures (not unlike my own school pictures), the first names, and the ages of the children. I had always wanted a sister.
Thus, my campaign for convincing my parents to adopt a sister for me began. Each trip to Wendy’s reminded me of my goal and renewed my resolve to bring my mom and dad on board. Using all the logical and emotional appeals I could think of, I tried for weeks (months?) to persuade my parents to consider adoption. Those children needed parents and a home. We had parents and a home. What else was there to say? While I thought I felt their “no” bending a few times, their decision remained firm in the long run. My big brown eyes failed to work their magic. Later, my mom told me that if my timing had been different (say, lined up with the birth of the fourth Northup daughter), I may have succeeded. Drat.
As I slowly gave up on my campaign, I discovered a documentary-style show on TV that featured true stories about different adoptive families. My attention was redirected, and I instead began to dream of the possibility of adopting children of my own one day.
Early Learning
In elementary school, I met a girl who became one of my very best friends. I eventually learned that, like the boys from church, she had also been adopted as an infant. While the topic of adoption didn’t come up often, she graciously put up with my curious questions when it did, and she gave me more grounded insight into adoption than what I had received from the media. Adoption was the method by which she was brought into her family, but she was always adamant that her parents were her parents.
Throughout the rest of my school years, adoption continually popped up in one way or another. The two boys gained another brother through adoption and then three of their cousins became their siblings after a tragic loss. Stories like those of Steven Curtis Chapman and Letty McMaster drew me in like a magnet. In college, I met several students who had been adopted – some internationally. I soaked up the classes in Bible college that explored the Bible’s teaching on our spiritual adoption into God’s family.
Pre-Marital Counseling Discussion
When Jon and I got engaged, we went through a book called Preparing for Marriage. As we worked through the “Great Expectations” worksheet, we came up to this question: “What would you do if you cannot conceive biological children of your own?” This sparked our first conversation as a couple about the possibility of adoption. While Jon hadn’t grown up closely with people who were impacted by adoption, he had grown up as a pastor’s kid and had also developed a heart of compassion for people that naturally made him open to the idea. We agreed that adoption could be in our future regardless of whether or not we were able to have children biologically.
Ministry: Adoption Connections
Entering ministry provided an explosion of opportunities to meet people touched by adoption. We now know many adoptive families, we have served several children and teenagers who were adopted, and we even know a mother who placed her child for adoption years ago! Not all of the adoption situations are the same. We’ve known people affected by kinship adoption, international adoption, foster care adoption, domestic infant adoption, and even embryo adoption. Each person and each family has helped to shape our view of adoption. They’ve helped us to see the realities that go along with it while also showing us what a gift it can be.
Plans Redirected
Many of you reading this have been walking with us through our infertility journey. We started trying to become parents six years ago. In the beginning, our plan was to have biological children first and then consider looking into adoption. After the first two years passed, adoption began to tug at my heart and mind again. However, pursuing adoption felt like giving up on the hope of ever having biological children. I wasn’t ready for that, and neither was Jon. At the 3.5-year mark, an acquaintance who had read one of my blog posts reached out, shared a little about her own story, and gave me the link to Lifetime Adoption’s website. I kept the link open on my phone and returned to it periodically. Four years in, we still weren’t ready to take the leap, but I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to start learning everything I could about adoption. I started listening to podcasts (Infant Adoption Guide Podcast, Adoption Now, and Creating a Family) and reading books. Jon overheard some of the podcasts, and we began having more and more conversations about adoption. The more I learned, the more excited I became about the idea. With each passing month, we both felt more and more that we just wanted to be parents – we didn’t really care how it happened. Adoption started to feel less like closing a door and more like saying yes to a different door.
Baby Steps
In October 2019 (about 8 months after I started researching), we took our first action step toward adoption. We reached out to one agency for more information and found out that we’d have to contact them after January 1 to try to get a spot in the next available “Information Sharing Meeting.” Long story short, we weren’t able to get into the meeting until June 2020. We left that virtual meeting feeling disheartened by their whole process and discouraged by the amount of time it would take just to get through their required meetings let alone to wait to be chosen by a birth mother. For many reasons, we knew it wasn’t the right fit for us.
In May 2020, we filled out the online contact form to get more information from Lifetime Adoption. I also downloaded their free e-book written by their founder (Mardie Caldwell) titled Called to Adoption: A Christian’s Guide toAnswering the Call. Their response time was staggering compared to what we had experienced with the other agency. We received a detailed e-mail outlining everything from the next step in the application process to Lifetime’s history, facts, and statistics to a breakdown of Lifetime’s fees and services. The more we learned about Lifetime, the more confident we felt that God was leading us to move forward with them.
From April 2020 to July 2020, I read the book from Lifetime as well as a book called Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches by Russell Moore. As I read, I shared the highlights with Jon. A few of the many quotes that really made us think were:
“‘Why don’t you adopt?’ I said. ‘For the amount of money the doctors are asking for with this [in vitro fertilization or artificial insemination], you could adopt two children. And you wouldn’t have the risk of continually failed treatments” (Moore, 88).
“‘So, here’s the question,’ I asked. ‘Do you want most of all to be parents, or do you want most of all to be conservators of your genetic material?’” (Moore, 88).
“How do you know when it’s time to move on from fertility treatments? I wish there was a simple answer. For me, it was when I realized that I wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to have a biological child. Adoption could make that happen for me. You see, choosing adoption doesn’t have to mean giving up on being pregnant. I just knew that I was ready to be a mommy and God was leading me toward the dream down a different road. A number of years later, I was blessed with a successful pregnancy, but I never questioned the unique way my family came together” (Caldwell, 91).
In July and August, we met with one of our students we knew was adopted (with the permission of her parents), and we met with her parents separately. We wanted to gather as much information as we could, and we are so grateful they were willing to share their stories and answer our questions.
During this summer, Jon and I spent some very intentional and regular time praying together for guidance and clarity as we tried to discern the path forward.
The Final Push
Not long after I finished reading, our friends, Cody and Molly, gave us a hard copy of Called to Adoption with a note tucked inside. We had no idea that they had been considering adoption, but they had taken the leap to move forward with Lifetime! Their courage helped give us the final push we needed to take the next step. We submitted our application and had our initial phone conference in August 2020. At the end of the phone conference, the intake coordinator offered us a spot in their program that would remain available for thirty days. We waited to make sure that our finances were in order to both move forward with Lifetime and to make it through my surgery that was scheduled for October. Once all of that was in place, we jumped in.
The Whirlwind (Highlights)
9/9/2020
– signed contract
9/17/2020
– public announcement
9/29/2020
– home study interview #1
10/13/2020
– home study interview #2
10/27/2020
– home study interview #3
11/12/2020
– home study approved
11/21/2020
– met fundraising goal to pay Lifetime’s balance
11/25/2020
– website approved
11/30/2020
– officially went active & website went live
2/1/2020 – Lifetime received our completed printed profiles
Now
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| Photo by Katie Arndt Photography |
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