Jon has done his share of waiting on me. We’ve been married for 8.5 years, and he still doesn’t understand why anyone would take longer than 5 seconds to get ready for bed. The worst wait I’ve inflicted on him was during our wedding ceremony. He stood at the front of the church and looked to the closed doors at the end of the aisle. They should be opening. Why weren’t they opening? The questioning eyes of a few hundred people bounced back and forth from the doors to his face. Seconds felt like hours, and as they continued to pass, he couldn’t help but wonder if I’d worn Nikes instead of heels. Still, the doors stayed shut. Panic eventually overshadowed confusion, and his brain raced to figure out what he should do – what he could do. Waiting longer was far too uncomfortable, but what other option did he have?
Waiting is fertile ground for the weeds of fear and control. I checked our wedding video, and the flower girls reached the stage about 90 seconds before I appeared on screen. Those 90 seconds had Jon worrying he’d been jilted and searching for a way to change or control the situation. His reaction wasn’t unique. Abraham and Sarah gave in to fear when Sarah couldn’t become pregnant, and they took control to force the outcome they wanted. Abraham slept with Sarah’s servant, and everyone involved felt the pain of running ahead of God’s plan (Genesis 16). When Samuel wasn’t showing up on time, Saul saw the massive Philistine army and his scattering people and feared that the odds were becoming less and less in his favor. With the pressure building, he made the rash decision to disobey God and to do Samuel’s job of offering the burnt offering. Of course, Samuel showed up as soon as the deed was done. Samuel called Saul out and told him that he had no one but himself to blame for the ending of his royal line (1 Samuel 13).
I don’t like waiting, and when the discomfort of it gets to be unbearable, I too start looking for an escape. My mind runs ahead with made-up (often worst-case) scenarios and what-ifs. When I get tired of going in mental circles and grieving hypotheticals, I switch to action. I research, prepare, and work – both to distract myself and to try to manipulate my way out of the wait. After all, I can do anything I set my mind to, right? Am I not the “master of my fate” and “captain of my soul?”
Isaiah 40:12-17 puts me back in my place and restores my perspective.
“12Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand,
And marked off the heavens by the span,
And calculated the dust of the earth by the measure,
And weighed the mountains in a balance
And the hills in a pair of scales?
13Who has directed the Spirit of the LORD,
Or as His counselor has informed Him?
14With whom did He consult and who gave Him understanding?
And who taught Him in the path of justice and taught Him knowledge
And informed Him of the way of understanding?
15Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket,
And are regarded as a speck of dust on the scales;
Behold, He lifts up the islands like fine dust.
16Even Lebanon is not enough to burn,
Nor its beasts enough for a burnt offering.
17All the nations are as nothing before Him,
They are regarded by Him as less than nothing and meaningless.”
In these words, I see God comforting His people as they waited for His deliverance from captivity. To them, Babylon seemed too big a foe, but God reminds them just how big, how wise, and how powerful He is. If He can hold the oceans in His hand, a “drop from a bucket” like Babylon is no problem for Him. My infertility is no problem for Him. $35,000 of adoption costs are no problem for Him. Your obstacles, fears, and hang-ups are no problem for Him either. We can trust Him – when doubts and fears arise, we need only to remind ourselves of who our Father is. Keep holding on, and watch for Him; He will show up.
These verses don’t just remind me who God is – they remind me who I am not. The obvious answer to the questions posed is “no one.” God alone can measure “the sky between His thumb and little finger” (MSG), and He doesn’t need to be taught or counseled by anyone. When I read verse 13, the thought hit me: How often have I tried to counsel God in my prayers? There is a difference between humbly presenting our requests with a heart submitted to His will and laying out a “honey-do” list and expecting God to bend to our will and way. I am the one in need of counseling. Do I listen to Him as much as I talk?
You and I are only human, and our human nature drives us to put ourselves on the throne of our hearts. Because of sin, our natural desire is to want to be the god of our own lives. We forget just how bad we are at it until we fall flat on our face again. We were never meant to bear that job. Our shoulders aren’t broad enough, and our wisdom is limited and faulty. Allowing God His rightful place in our hearts through worship and submission doesn’t put us in chains. It frees our hearts to rest and to enjoy life through the wait and in spite of the pain.
When the discomfort of the wait pressures you to act out of fear, remember who God is and who you are not. It’s not your job to fix it or force it. Do only what He leads you to do. Trust Him to act (or withhold action) according to His limitless expanses of wisdom and power. When you fail, remember that the same God sent His Son, Jesus, to take the punishment for you. Continue forward in His grace and refuse to allow shame and guilt to trip you up further. Keep bringing your eyes back to Him, and keep getting your rear end off the throne. God has given us all we need to wait well in the gift of Himself, but we need to let Him be God.
I
know you are all dying to know… so here’s the other side of our wedding
ceremony story:
Jon didn’t know that I was also staring at those infernal doors. For me, time was going far too fast. My dad and I stood, arms linked, as I took deep breaths and tried to decide if I could make it down the aisle without vomiting. My wedding coordinator offered to walk down the aisle next to me with a vase, but the thought mortified me. Heightened nerves, July heat, little food, and a dress that was tied too tight made my head spin and my stomach flip. With a room full of people waiting, I had to bite the bullet and just go. Finally, the doors opened, and I made my way to my groom with all my stomach contents in place. The whole room breathed a sigh of relief and prayed for a short ceremony.
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