Infertility Is

Infertility is being afraid to hope because the inevitable disappointment that follows month after month is just too much to handle sometimes.

Infertility is feeling like you are letting down everyone around you - the would-be father, the would-be grandparents, the would-be aunts and uncles, the would-be cousins, the would-be babysitters, teachers, friends, and mentors. 

Infertility is questioning whether this is because of something in your (or your spouse’s) past, and knowing there are other people who wonder the same. 

Infertility is isolating and lonely when kept hidden. 

Infertility is having no answers. It is thinking you have an answer, waiting 6 months, and then looking for more answers. It is having countless answers and yet still no answer at all. 

Infertility is diligently fighting against the comparison trap, but occasionally falling into frustration, jealousy, confusion, and/or outrage.  

Infertility is getting poked, cut, screened, flushed, and tested until you, your marriage, and your bank account can’t hardly stand anymore. 

Infertility is sometimes being angry at the only One whom you fully believe can ultimately do anything or bring you any real comfort about your situation. Then it is feeling guilty, ashamed, and hopeless for feeling that way. 

Infertility is looking into sympathetic eyes that don’t understand.

Infertility is giving short, robotic answers so that the abyss of emotions doesn’t burst forth to swallow you whole again.

Infertility is scoffing at the irony of being less fertile than a Target manikin. 

Infertility is seeing God work in many ways while He appears to remain frozen with regard to your ability to conceive. 

Infertility is genuinely feeling happy for all the friends and the siblings and the kids you used to babysit when they announce their pregnancies while simultaneously writhing inside with the possibility that it may never be your turn.  

Infertility is having a pass to a secret club that no one wants to be a part of and that 99% of members are trying desperately to leave. 

Infertility is wondering. Wondering if you will ever get to see the joy on everyone’s face (particularly your husband's face) when you reveal that you are finally pregnant. Wondering if you will ever get to plan an announcement, have a baby shower, design a nursery, choose a name, or experience pregnancy, labor, and delivery. It is wondering if you will ever get to see your own eyes or your husband’s hair reflected in your child. 

Infertility is being unable to do what you were designed to do. 

Infertility is having all sorts of biblical role models but also loathing the thought of having to wait as long as Sarah did.

Infertility is suddenly feeling like time is your enemy and struggling to celebrate birthdays as your own number creeps up, your chances slide down, and your risks climb higher. 

Infertility is a seemingly endless cycle of grieving someone who has not yet existed. 

Infertility is knowing that babies are being torn from the wombs of their mothers every day while yours sits empty. 

Infertility is not wanting to give up on having biological children while also not wanting to wait too long before starting the process of adoption (not that the two are mutually exclusive or interchangeable). 

Infertility is a lot of not knowing what to do next or when. 

Infertility is hearing people say, “trying is the fun part,” when they have no idea how stressful, chore-like, hopeless, and/or painful sex can become if you and your spouse fail to intentionally fight for real intimacy. 

Infertility is learning to accept and enjoy a life that is not at all what you originally wanted or pictured. 

Infertility is being grateful for the time, freedom, and sleep-filled nights you have while also knowing you would give it all up in a heartbeat to become a parent. 

Infertility is knowing that adoption is not a cure. 

Infertility is crying after taking your waking temperature because it dropped 13 days past ovulation, and you know even before your period ever shows up that though you did everything right, it still didn’t work. 

Infertility is taking all the pills: prescriptions, supplements, herbal remedies, and more. 

Infertility is researching anything and everything related to fertility until you’ve run out of places to look. 

Infertility is gaining a whole slew of acronyms: IUI, IVF, CD, BD, 2WW, AF, BBT, BFN, BFP, OPK, PCOS, HCG, LH, HSG.....

Infertility is seeing doctor after doctor - traditional and unconventional, compassionate and insensitive, attentive and dismissive.

Infertility is waiting for weeks, months, and years without any guarantee that the wait will end. 

Infertility is considering acupuncture even though you used to think people who subjected themselves to such a thing were basically insane. 

Infertility is painful - physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. 

Infertility is taking a pregnancy test early because even though you know it’s illogical, a small part of you hopes that doing so will somehow prevent your period from coming. 

Infertility is daily continuing to choose to believe in, to trust, to pray to, to worship, and to obey God anyway, regardless of how He chooses to write your story.  And also sometimes failing to do so. 

Infertility is learning over and over again that life is not about you. 

Infertility is having friends and family rally together to help support you in ways that yank the pent-up tears from your eyes and bring you to your knees. 

Infertility is understanding and connecting with specific people in ways you never could have otherwise.

Infertility is having an opportunity to influence, to serve, to encourage, and to comfort others. 

Infertility is a brokenness through which God can still bring about good and reveal His glory.   

Infertility is not what I would have chosen, it is not who I am, it does not define my value, and it is not the most important detail of my story. But it is a part of my story.

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For All Who Need Rest

One of my husband’s favorite places that we’ve visited is Kentucky. Among other things, he loved the dark walls of trees huddling together and stretching up into the sky and out over the roads. The thrill of the unknown and the whisper of adrenaline- pumping adventure captivates his wild heart that is so often suffocated under the weight of responsibility, propriety, and protocol. He and I are opposite in nearly every way, so it should come as no surprise that I prefer the vast, open, fields in northeastern Colorado.  I am no doubt more influenced by the nostalgia of growing up in that area than Jon is, but even beyond the comfort of familiarity, I’ve come to relish the simplicity and the stillness that characterize the endless sea of cream, sage, and auburn nestled against the wide expanse of blue. There, a person has space to think, to listen, to feel, to breathe, and to be. Such is the delight of an introvert.  

Simple stillness is a rest that my parched spirit craves in the hustle and emotional upheaval of juggling 3 part time jobs, ministry, household duties, marriage, infertility, health, friendships, and home improvement projects. Deep down, I know I erroneously view rest as a treat and not as a necessary staple. It’s so easy in our culture to buy into the lie that busyness makes us valuable, desirable, or admirable and that taking time to refresh and recharge is selfish. Even in church culture, we can start to overemphasize doing and serving over knowing and enjoying. And besides, busyness is one way to numb the pain in our hearts. Jesus has been echoing his gentle correction of Martha to me over and over in recent months: “Sharayah, Sharayah, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her” (Lk. 10:41b, 42).  

The rest God calls us to and has provided for us is deeper than a catnap on a Sunday afternoon. It is a profound soul rest that comes from knowing the end of the story and from knowing and trusting the author of that story. It is a heart at ease because it knows it is safe in the hands of the One who rescued it from the worst thing that could ever happen- separation from Love and Goodness Himself for eternity. It is a quiet mind that can remain unshaken by circumstances because it is anchored in submission to its unchanging Creator instead of enslaved to unpredictable waves of feelings.  

However, so many believers (I am one of the worst offenders) don’t live in that rest. We allow the distractions and disillusionment of a painful and impossibly fast-paced earthly life to cloud out what we know to be true. We yield to the whims of our emotions (which make a tyrant of a boss - check out the first sermon in The Crossing’s latest series for more on this) instead of to our gentle, all-knowing, and loving Lord. As we fix our eyes on the white-capped rapids of our circumstances and obey the internal tumult they produce, we naturally drift toward them and away from the still waters of Jesus’s presence.  

Jesus beckons, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Mt. 11:28-30).  

You and I need to intentionally slow down enough to:

•          remember Jesus and come to Him,
•          worship our Creator,
•          nourish our souls with God’s Word, 
•          express to God both our gratefulness and our desires, 
•          allow Him to restore us,
•          start anew through confession (agreeing with God about our sin),
•          express the creativity He placed within us, and
•          just be who He made us to be.  

We also need to make a practice of regular stopping:

•          Stop striving.  
•          Stop powering through.  
•          Stop depriving ourselves of the good part. Stop giving our emotions free reign and control over our behavior.
•          Stop believing the lie that we can still enjoy the deep soul rest God has provided without resting from the demands of our never-ending to-do lists and without dealing with the junk in our hearts.  

      The abundant life is not one that is stuffed to the painfully distended brim with activity but one that in all aspects, whether regarding rest or work, looks to and bends to Jesus.  

      I haven’t mastered this by any means, but I’m learning. Like many, I have the knowledge, but working it out in my life is not always so easy. Nevertheless, God keeps reminding me that there is too much at stake not to press forward in this area. He gave the nation of Israel the Sabbath command not to control them, to suppress them, to bore them, or to punish them, but as a gift of margin to fill a real need that he had placed within them as a reflection of His own character (God does not tire, but still He rested on the seventh day after creation). Similarly, He has given you and I the spiritual discipline of rest not as one more thing we have to do to please him, but as a gift to help us discover the rich life He modeled for us and died to give us. When we choose to cultivate internal rest and to create periods for external rest, we choose to be like Him.  

            Not only this, but a heart that is not at rest because it is burnt out or harboring unresolved issues bleeds onto everyone closest to it. Our relationships matter too much to neglect this area. Whether we like it or not, our relationships with God and with all those around us are seriously affected by whether or not we are intentionally resting in Christ.  As we make the time to recharge in His presence, as we choose to follow Him alone, and as we allow Him to remove the weeds that have taken root inside us, we will experience His peaceful rest that surpasses all understanding both within our hearts and in our relationships, regardless of what life throws at us. 

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Phillips News & Spring Highlights 2019

Our life has been a whirlwind since my big surgery back in March, and it’s been a while since I’ve written an update on life, so here it is! 

Surgery & Recovery

            During the surgery, the doctors essentially sliced and diced my insides robotically and then stitched it all back together.  Of course it was all much more careful and precise than that, but you get the idea.  They excised the endometriosis, performed a bilateral ovarian wedge resection to help treat my PCOS, and then sewed everything up in a way that greatly reduces scar tissue formation.  If you want to read more about the procedures in detail you can do so here.  Later on, the lab confirmed that there had been twelve areas of endometriosis, including inside the little extra fallopian tube I mentioned in the Phillips Medical Update and inside one of my ovaries.  My doctor was happy with how everything went, and thankfully the surgery only took 6.5 hours instead of the predicted 8.  They didn’t make me stay overnight at the hospital at all.  I moved slowly and tired easily throughout recovery, but the pain was pretty well manageable with the meds, the ice packs, a heating pad, and an attentive husband and mother-in-law.  After I had recovered a bit, my doctor started me on antibiotics for a cycle to clear up some cervicitis, and I also started progesterone and a whole slew of recommended supplements (my nightstand looks like it belongs to a ninety-year-old).  She is letting me take the progesterone pills for now instead of doing the injections (hallelujah!), but I still have to get blood drawn once a month while they get my hormones leveled out.  Now, I’m doing really well.  I have occasional internal pain, but it is minor and short-lived.  I haven’t had any bad side effects from the medication changes, and I’ve had more energy than even before the surgery.  I’m glad to be on the other side of surgery and look forward to continually seeing improvements in my overall health.                          

Dancing with the Stars

            Dancing with the Stars is an annual fundraiser that is put on for the Gothenburg Community Playhouse/Sun Theatre.  Prominent members of the community are recruited into four dance teams.  They each have a coach from the community who helps them come up with a dance routine.  After weeks of preparation, they dress up and compete before an audience for the most votes.  This year, the tickets for the event sold out in just eight minutes.  Jon had the opportunity to contribute by making several videos for the event and by helping with the live stream.      

Family Visits

            A little over three weeks after surgery, we went to Scottsbluff to visit Jon’s parents and a couple siblings and nephews.  Rebecca (Jon’s oldest sister from Kentucky) was there with her son (Nathaniel), and we hadn’t seen them in a long time, so it was good to get to spend time with them.  We also went to Mitchell Berean’s worship night that weekend, and Jon had the surprise privilege of being called up to lead the song “Do it Again” by Elevation Worship with the team that we had so often served alongside while we lived in Scottsbluff.  It was a precious moment.  Ben (Jon’s brother) spoke, JaNae (Ben’s wife) danced to one of the songs, and I enjoyed holding Micah (their son) even though it was probably a little too soon after surgery. 

            My parents came to visit us a couple weekends later.  I love getting to spend time with them.  I am truly so thankful for the family God gave me.  They happened to come during Gothenburg’s city-wide garage sales, so we went to a couple of those and also went to a bunch of open houses (more on this later…).  The time with them always seems too short.              

Easter

            Easter Sunday was my first Sunday back on worship team.  The time leading up to Easter is busy, but it’s well worth it.  The Crossing had three services instead of our normal two and saw about five hundred faces come through the doors of the Life Center.  It was a sweet time of celebrating our risen Savior.  We are so thankful we have the freedom to worship openly and the space now to invite more people to come meet, follow, and love Jesus. 

Drive Conference

            The weekend after my parents visited, Jon left with the staff of The Crossing and some other leaders to attend the Drive Conference in Atlanta, Georgia.  He had a blast and interacted with as many worship and youth people as he could.  The conference was a time of refreshment for the team as they got away and were able to catch a renewed vision for what God has called us all to do.  Jon returned excited, determined to learn how to delegate more in areas where he has stretched himself too thin, and challenged to lead worship more confidently and freely. 

           

Graduations

            How graduation sneaks up on me every year, I’m not sure.  Several of our students were seniors this year, so we had a few parties to attend.  Graduation time is bittersweet, but we are looking forward to seeing how God continues to grow these students and use them as they begin the transition into adulthood. 

Mother’s Day

            Mother’s Day has been difficult for me the past couple of years, but I really felt at peace this year.  I have a wonderful mother, mother-in-law, and several other mother figures to celebrate.  Another blogger I follow posted about rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep (Rom. 12:15).  I accepted God’s grace this year in being able to do just that.  I’m learning how to be authentically happy for my mommy friends and my numerous pregnant friends (soooo many babies coming into the world this summer and fall!) and also ache with longing and empathize with those who find Mother’s Day to be a challenge for whatever reason.  There is room in my heart for both, and I know that I am genuinely okay as I am.        

Intern Farewell

            Ellie finished up her youth and worship internship at The Crossing and headed off to serve at Maranatha BibleCamp again this summer.  She might come back after the summer for another semester, but she hasn’t decided for sure about that yet.  We will miss having consistent access to her tender heart, her ability to connect with the teens, her creative ideas, her incredible talent, and her passion for spiritual growth and for people in general.         

Housing

            Last month, we found out that a couple had approached our landlord about possibly buying the house we are currently renting.  It was not on the market, but the couple knew that this house would be a good fit for what they are needing.  They came to look at it a couple different times, but they were looking at another house as well.  A little over one week ago, we got the news that they decided to move forward with buying the house we are living in.  The closing date is scheduled for June 10. 

            We had been in the early stages of thinking about buying a house, but we weren’t at all thinking it would happen this soon.  At this point, we definitely won’t be able to close on our own house before we will need to be out of this one.  However, we may end up renting whatever house we decide to purchase until we can close, or we have had some other options for temporary housing offered to us as well.  We have already started the loan application process and are happy with how that is going, and we have at least two houses that are good possibilities.  I started packing this last weekend. 

            Through all of this upheaval, I have been unusually and inexplicably at peace.  Jon has been the more anxious one (which is a complete flip-flop from our usual pattern).  The timing of it all seems both horrific and perfect.  My surgeries are done, and the resulting bills will be paid off soon.  We had been concerned about an additional $40,000 that we appeared to owe on one bill, but I finally was able to confirm that we don’t owe that amount (a code was overlooked) just days before we found out that the couple definitely wanted to buy our house.  Jon is supposed to be at Maranatha Bible Camp again for the majority of June, so we had prayed that the moving process wouldn’t be during that time.  Ironically, June 10 is the first day of the first camp.  It’s one of those times when you wish you would have prayed a little more specifically (God, we meant after camps were over…but we’ll take it!).  Even though everything is still a little up in the air right now, I know God will provide.  I don’t see the path clearly now, but I have seen His hand all over this.  Plus, we’ve seen his provision time and time again in the past.  It’s all His, and if He is giving this house to meet someone else’s need, then He has a different one to meet our need.  We would appreciate prayer for the decision making process as we move forward!

Jon’s Story

            Jon shared his story last Sunday at The Crossing.  It was difficult to again re-live the hellish season of our marriage, but we know that his vulnerability had an impact on people.  We are praying that more people will be set free from their cycles of guilt, shame, and sin.  We would appreciate prayer for us (and all the other staff who shared their stories) in this as well.  Opening up in a way that might cause others to break free from sin or turn to Jesus tends to place a target on your back for spiritual attack.         

Lessons in Trials

            A Bible passage popped into my mind as I was going through my morning routine the other day.  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4 NIV).  I memorized these verses at school, but that was several years ago.  Yet, every word unexpectedly shot through my mind as clear as day.  It’s another one of those passages that used to be nearly impossible to accept.  How could one trial, let alone trials of many kinds, be considered a joy?  How could things like betrayal, infertility, health problems, multiple unexpected moves, unfaithfulness, false guilt, true guilt, rejection, financial mountains, job loss, job struggles, busyness, marital battles, ministry heartaches, emotional and mental turmoil, loneliness, family tension and trauma, and deaths of loved ones possibly make a person more complete when they more often feel like they are tearing you to pieces? 

Looking back, it is so much easier to see.  Yes, there was pain, and yes, I would have chosen different things for myself.  I am not the person I was before all of this, but it’s not because I have lost broken pieces of myself.  As I’ve learned to keep choosing Jesus in the midst of the turmoil, He has been making me more into my truest self – the one that He already sees as glorified and finished.  He does not revel in my pain; in fact, I believe He cries with me.  However, He knows that these things have taught (and continue to teach) me invaluable lessons in forgiveness, grace, dependence, flexibility, courage, love, freedom, compassion, obedience, vulnerability, rest, trust, and ultimately in perseverance.  I gain perseverance through each trial because I can look back and see how God preserved me through the past and how He used it for the better.  I know Him and cannot deny Him even when my circumstances make me want to do just that.  While my trials added to me in so many ways, they also chipped away at my independent pride, my sense of entitlement, my sin, and my selfishness.  The path to maturity and wholeness is not one of comfortable and pleasurable ease or exploration, but of discipline, struggle, and loss. 

“He who as found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it” (Matthew 10:39 NASB). 

“More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:7-12).

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