The In-Between: It's Okay to Not Always Be Okay

            Sometimes it’s okay to not be okay.  Through the Covid-19 pandemic, I’ve seen others go through the same cycle I have gone through countless times during our infertility journey.  It starts with a trigger from the circumstance that drags up an uncomfortable emotion – often sadness, doubt, fear, or anger in varying degrees.  We don’t like to sit too long with any of these (whether they are coming from within or radiating from someone else), so we often try to fix them or eliminate them as quickly as possible.  If that doesn’t work, then we bury them deep down under layers and masks of self-deluded okay-ness and try to deny that they are even there.  Next, we feel guilty or ashamed (and those of us who follow Jesus also tend to think we must be really bad Christians) for feeling this way at all.  Finally, we either give way to despair or muster up all the manufactured faith, love, joy, and peace we can to try and make everything all better.  But we wake up the next morning, and it’s still not all better.

            The freeing truth is that there is a reason why we feel so unsettled when things aren’t the way we know they should be.  I first wrote about Lysa Terkeurst’s book It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way and her teaching through the “two gardens” in my post titled “Giver of Good Gifts,” and it is a message that has stuck with me over the past several months.  We are living in a sin-mangled space between the perfect Garden of Eden that is imprinted on our hearts and the hope of the new heaven and new earth that are to come.  A heart that is soft toward God is still bothered when things aren’t as they should be because it is aware that there is something far better!  Knowing this frees us up to let ourselves feel and name negative emotions and to find healing as we allow God to guide us through the various stages of grief over the devastating effects of sin.  He doesn’t want us to brush past our feelings or cover up the state of our hearts with forced or feigned joy and peace.  His Spirit will produce those things genuinely (and repeatedly as needed) as we walk with Him in transparent and surrendered dependence, even and especially when we don’t understand and don’t know how to deal with what’s going on in our circumstances.          

            One of the most debated questions in regard to our circumstances is why God allows bad things to happen in the first place, particularly to those who love Him and have believed in His Son.  We get that sin has consequences, and we can accept that fact more easily when we see a direct correlation between our own sin and our own consequence.  However, we really have a hard time stomaching horrible circumstances when we don’t have a specific personal sin (or the sin of another) to blame.  There are many reasons why God allows suffering and sorrow into our lives (see “When Life Isn't Fair” for a more extensive list), but the one that God brought to my attention recently was through another book – Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches by Russell D. Moore. 

In Chapter 2, Moore describes the adoption of his two boys from a Russian orphanage.  One of the chilling scenes he depicts is that of a nursery full of silent babies who no longer cried because they knew no one would come to meet their needs.  When he was finally able to take the boys home out of that terrible environment, the transition to a safe home proved to be unexpectedly difficult.  As wretched as the orphanage was, it was all that the boys had known in their short little lives.  Not comprehending the loving home that awaited them, they reached back in fear and confusion for the orphanage.  Later, Moore draws from those experiences to explain some truths about our own spiritual adoption: “But we get too comfortable with this orphanage universe.  We sit in our pews, or behind our pulpits, knowing that our children watch ‘Christian’ cartoons instead of slash films.  We vote for the right candidates and know all the right ‘worldview’ talking points.  And we’re content with the world we know, just adjusted a little for our identity as Christians.  That’s precisely why so many of us are so atrophied in our prayers, why our prayers rarely reach the level of ‘groanings too deep for words’ (Rom. 8:26).  We are too numbed to be as frustrated as the Spirit is with the way things are.”

While there is so much more I could share and discuss from that chapter, the main thing that impressed on my heart was that sometimes I need to suffer in order to remember where my true home is.  Sometimes I need to hurt in order to stop clinging to the things of this world so tightly and to long for my glorious eternal home with my loving Father.  I don’t want to live a comfortable and pain-free life that makes me content with this pit of sin and numb to its atrocities.  That is not to say that I should seek out pain and suffering, but that I can learn to endure it and even give thanks as it comes because it reminds me that this is not my forever home.   I have a good Father who is going to finalize my adoption and take me home one day. 

Until then, I need to allow the discord between what I know and what I see to drive me into His loving and understanding arms. He reminds me that there is coming a day when there will be no conflict between the two. He releases me to let the tears fall with the reassurance that He cries with me – even though we both know how the story ends. I need His Spirit to continually strengthen me and to teach me how to trust Him and navigate through this time between the two gardens. It may feel like it will never end, but His Word promises that this life is only a breath compared to what is to come – and then everything will finally, forever, and truly be more than okay.       

Passages to Read

Revelation 21:1-7

Isaiah 65:17-25

Romans 8:15-25

I did a new thing….

As all of these thoughts were rolling around in my head over the past couple weeks, a short conversation with a friend was born out of them.  That conversation sparked the first verse for a song.  Now, I’ve tried writing original songs before, but I have never been successful at getting more than a snippet here or there – a verse, an instrumental motif, etc.  This one came so easily.  Don’t get me wrong – it was still work, but I never felt stuck like I have at other times.  Sharing any type of personal art is a vulnerable thing, but I hope that what I wrote will encourage some of you as you walk through uncertainty and sorrow and draw your hearts near to the tender compassion and the firm, but gentle leading of God.     

The In-Between

Rev. 21

Verse 1

God, I know you’re here

God, I know you’re enough for me

So why this ache

That says this isn’t how it’s s’posed to be 

Pre-Chorus

In a world I wish were black and white 

All I can see is this hazy gray

Help me once again to see the day

Chorus

When all my tears will be dried up

And my sorrows fade from memory 

I’ll dance and sing, wrapped in your love,

In the light of your majesty

When the pain of this life is no more

And death’s death is our victory

All will be right, and new, and bright 

We’ll be with You for eternity

Help me trust through the in-between 

Verse 2

Lord, I know what’s true 

I know what you’ve done for me

Still I wrestle with

What I know and what I see  

Verse 3

And I know You’re good

That You command the wind and sea

Please take this fear

And clear away my heart’s debris 

Pre-Chorus

Chorus

Bridge

The discord of disappointment 

Wages war against my soul 

Yet, the fact I know that something’s wrong

Tells me this world is not my home

Chorus 2

Where all my tears will be dried up

And my sorrows fade from memory 

I’ll dance and sing, wrapped in your love,

In the light of your majesty 

When the pain of this life is no more

And death’s death is our victory

All will be right, and new, and bright

We’ll be with You for eternity

Help me trust through the in-between 

Let this home etched in my heart come quickly

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Needles, Blessings, and a Resurrected Savior

            Early on in our infertility journey, I read that I needed to get over needles fast.  Whoever wrote that encouraging little memo wasn’t kidding.  My doctor recently switched me from oral progesterone to at-home intramuscular injections.  Combined with monthly blood draws and weekly acupuncture, that puts my pokiest week topping out at roughly 18-20 needles in the span of 7 days literally from the top of my head down to my ankles and everywhere in between.  My acupuncturist even started needling my belly recently, which is just a delight, let me tell you.  

            While I eagerly look forward to the day that I’m no longer a human pin cushion, this season hasn’t been without it’s blessings.  For example, I have a good nurse friend who is taking the time to come administer my progesterone injections (having my husband give them was an option, but I wasn’t too keen on that idea.  He keeps reminding me he gave them to pigs when he worked on the hog farm and that pig skin is the most similar to human skin - thank you, Mythbusters - so, he’s not entirely inexperienced.  Somehow that still just isn’t overly comforting to me).  Anyway, my friend prayed for me as she gave me my first injection while my husband stayed nearby with Nika (who is essentially my emotional support dog), and I was again reminded how very much I am not alone in this.  I know that someday my own joy will be shared (and amplified as a result) with so many who have walked alongside (and sometimes carried) us through this, regardless of how God chooses to glorify Himself through it in the end. 

            I have also been more aware than ever of how I am crossing paths with people I wouldn’t have and in ways I wouldn’t have had my story been unfolding differently.  I am familiar with all of the phlebotomists at our hospital.  I see my acupuncturist and the girl who runs her front desk every week.  In the time we have been trying to conceive, I have had the gift of being a nanny to three beautiful kids in two separate families and of getting to love them and watch them grow.  I had the time, mental clarity, and energy to give careful and thoughtful counsel to the teenage girl who reached out unexpectedly for guidance the other day.  I have more of myself to give in youth ministry (and ministry in general) during this season.  

            Pain and suffering are not the worst things.  Struggles and trials are not the worst things.  In fact, all these things teach, grow, and refine us and bond us to others in ways that nothing else can accomplish.  They help us know Jesus just a little better and become a little more like Him, for he suffered more than any of us will ever have to.  He did so on our behalf.  He provided the way to escape the most intense, thorough, and final pain that any human being will ever experience.  He took it on Himself, and all that He asks is that we trust Him.  We will still experience disappointment and deep hurts in this life, but if we trust Him, we know that the glorious end of our own story will completely overshadow the heartaches of today.  I have had hope through infertility, through marital heartaches, through job loss, through seemingly constant life upheaval, and yes, through the caronavirus because I know the One who died for me and whose love was unequivocally and incomparably demonstrated by that death.  I also know that He is alive and that anything He allows into my life can be used for good.  The grave could not hold Him; neither will it hold those who believe in Him.  And I know that ultimately I’m not the end of my own story.  He is.  

“Sing to the Lord all you godly ones!  Praise His holy name.  For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime!  Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:4-5 NLT).

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10 Tips to Help You Remain Calm and Kind through the Coronavirus Pandemic

1.  Talk to God

God knows more about the coronavirus and the true state of the world than any human does.  He also knows you and loves you more than anyone else.  Talk to Him about your concerns, and ask Him to help you sift through the murky cloud of voices.  Let Him comfort, encourage, and guide you.  Ask Him for His protection and provision, and listen to Him when you sense that He is asking you to do (or not do) something.  Spend time with Him and allow His voice to ring out clear over all the others.  Come to Him in gratitude, worship, and humility, and allow Him to lift your eyes and your countenance.  Agree with Him about the ways you’ve screwed up, and align your thoughts with His Word.  Sit with Him until your heart is fully convinced that He is enough.  “The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry” (Psalm 34:15).  “The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16b).  “Pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17).

2.  Practice Gratitude

Gratitude reminds us of what God has already done and how He has already provided.  It gives us confidence to keep relying on Him as we walk through turbulent waters.  Coupled with tip number 1, it quiets our worries and guards our hearts and minds with a supernatural peace that only Christ can give as we stay near to Him (Philippians 4:6-7).  The Bible also tells us expressly that giving thanks in all circumstances is God’s will for us (1 Thessalonians 5:18).  One easy and practical way to do this is to start a gratitude journal and write even just a few short sentences or phrases about what you are thankful for that day. 

3.  Trust God’s Provision

God provides for the needs of those who seek after His kingdom.  Look at Jesus’s lesson in Luke 12:22-34.  His provision may not look how we expect it to, but our needs will be met nonetheless as we follow and obey Him.  Psalm 23 is another beautiful depiction of God’s provision.  We can trust Him.  If we choose to believe that and act on it, then our fear will melt away, our selfishness will dissolve, and we will be more effective in serving others through the storm. 

4.  Don’t Act in Fear

When we are scared for our own safety and well-being, the natural selfishness of our sinful hearts bubbles up to the surface much more quickly and easily than usual.  In this high-alert and defensive stance, we can find ourselves speaking rashly, acting erratically, and burning all sorts of bridges along the way.  Or, we may go to the other end of the spectrum and mentally and emotionally implode as we allow the anxiety and the darkness of our fears to overshadow everything.  Either way, we can end up causing more damage than the original object of our fear.  Instead, find ways to manage your fear and stress.  Practice deep breathing through your nose when you catch your mind running wild.  Get plenty of sleep, water, and real food.  Take extra care to “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:19 NLT).  For heaven’s sake, don’t make any big decisions while you are in this state if you can help it.  And above all, practice tip numbers 1, 2 and 3. 

5.  Extend Mercy & Grace

We all succumb to fear occasionally during times like this.  Remember that fact, and be willing to extend mercy and grace to those who hurt you.  Our anger and pain can blind us from seeing situations with compassion through another’s perspective.  Don’t excuse or ignore sinful behavior, but muster the courage to communicate through the conflict with a healthy amount of understanding and gentleness.  Pursue reconciliation, and remember that you also need others to show you grace and mercy when you fail.  See Colossians 3:12-14.

6.  Balance your Intake

With the bombardment of instant information from countless resources, we need to be careful to limit our exposure to the negative and disturbing things happening in the world.  This is not to say that we should be uninformed, but that we should be intentional about avoiding an overdose of the madness.  Don’t lose sight of what is true or miss the joys of living in the present.  Replace some time reading links on Facebook with reading God’s Word or listening to worship music.  Watch a feel-good movie that you know lifts your spirits.  Check out Philippians 4:8 for some general guidelines about where we should allow our minds to camp out. 

7.  Check on Friends

I am an introvert through and through with a textbook melancholic temperament.   For those who are like me, the chance to stay home with limited outside interaction is a welcome break from the normal pace of life.  However, not all of us are wired the same way.  The extroverts out there, especially those who like to process their thoughts outwardly in conversation, are likely struggling with the whole idea of social distancing.  Even beyond temperaments, some of your friends are facing really difficult business decisions, anticipating financial loss from a lack of work, or buckling under the weight of having a worldwide pandemic added to personal trials they were already battling.  Shoot them a text or give them a call.  Let them know they aren’t alone or forgotten.  Ask them how they are feeling about everything.  Listen well.  If you haven’t already, you will eventually need that kind of care too, even if you are an introvert.  “Christ died for us so that, whether we are dead or alive when He returns, we can live with Him forever.  So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:10-11 NLT)

8.  Offer and Accept Help

Toilet paper is suddenly a high commodity, and groceries are flying off the shelves like it’s the end of the world.  Let people know how you can help.  Give what you can while knowing that God will provide for your needs.  When He tugs on your heart to give even to the point of sacrifice, trust Him.  He is a generous gift giver, and He sees and blesses when you reflect His character.  Give knowing that you may soon be the one in need, and don’t be too proud to accept help.  Allow others to bless you as they obey what God is calling them to do.  “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.  But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).  We are stronger together; God made us that way. 

9.  Refuse to Belittle or Mock

People from all walks of life have widely differing opinions on the severity of the coronavirus and the necessity of all the preventive measures that have been recommended.  No matter where a person falls on the scale, the right thing to do is never to belittle or mock them.  That sort of self-righteous attitude is not productive and only causes greater division and confusion.  Proverbs has a lot to say about scoffers (3:34; 14:6; 21:24; 22:10; 24:9 to name a few).  Strive to communicate your opinion in a humble and considerate manner (which doesn’t mean it can’t be clear, firm, and bold as well), and refuse to resort to nastiness toward those who disagree with you. 

10.  Be Wise

I don’t want to harp on this one too much because it’s covered pretty well in the news and social media right now.  Listen to your healthcare professionals.  Stop stealing the masks and the hand sanitizer.  Wash your hands, stay home if you feel sick, avoid going out in public when possible, and practice good health in general.  I know some people think this is all way too overblown; even so, we know it is not nothing.  Be cautious, but not cowardly.  “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions.  The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences” (Proverbs 22:3).  Also, if you need wisdom for making decisions through this whole process, read James 1:5-8. 

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