NIAW 2017

            This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  For those who may have missed my post in which I first shared a little piece of our story, you can check out Part 2 of my series titled “A Life Unexpected" by clicking the following link: ALU(P2).

            I am the one in eight. ········

When we first started trying to get pregnant, I often found myself lost in daydreams.  I spent hours looking up and pairing first and middle names, imagining what our child might look like, crocheting baby afghans (one for a boy and one for a girl), and brainstorming ideas for nursery color schemes and pregnancy announcements.  As I imagined what it would be like to see a positive pregnancy test, to witness my husband's reaction to the news, to experience the process of growing a human being inside my body, and everything else that goes along with bringing a life into this world, I could feel a foreshadow of the emotion that would come with it all.  Have you ever thought of something sour (like a Warhead or a lemon) and felt the sensation of the taste overtake your tongue without actually eating anything?  It was sort of like that.  I entertained my hopeful fantasies without restraint for the first few months, though they were dampened briefly by mild disappointment at each new start of a cycle. 

Then, the disappointment began to grow, and the more I allowed myself to dream, the harder the blow came when I realized we had to wait yet another month.  Gradually, I finished my afghans, I stopped looking at Pinterest ideas, and I put my baby name list away.  Still, there were some months when I got my hopes up because of unusual signs and allowed the dreaming to flicker again.  Once, I randomly got sick in the middle of the night.  Another month, I had horrible acid reflux for the first time ever. There are so many possible early pregnancy symptoms (most of which resemble PMS) that I could almost always find at least one that was true for me in any given month.  Still, I kept finding myself staring through blurry eyes at a little strip with only one line. 

Blood Draw #4

Finally, we decided it was time to see a doctor.  My husband’s test came back normal.  My first tests included blood work to check for thyroid disease and diabetes.  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and was started on medication.  Again, I felt a new wave of hope.  At least we had some sort of possible answer.  Six long months passed with rapidly waning optimism, and another blood test revealed that my thyroid was still out of whack.  The doctor increased my dosage, and another two months have passed.  Ironically, I have an appointment with my doctor this week to ask a few questions and to talk about what the next steps might be.  All in all, we have been waiting for about twenty-seven months now.      

During the wait, I have found myself jerked around by excitement, hope, anticipation, doubt, discouragement, disappointment, anger, fear, jealousy, confusion, frustration, and numbness.  I've stonewalled, rested in, reasoned with, and pleaded with God.  I've been crushed by certain questions and comments, but I've also been encouraged by loved ones in various ways, both those who understand what we’re going through and those who don't.  Each day is different.  I try to focus on enjoying the life God has given me right now.  I must choose to be thankful that I have the time and freedom to help take care of children who are not my own.  I must choose to enjoy the extra time I have to invest in and enjoy my marriage.  I must choose to trust God and to follow His will for me today.  Still, the longing never entirely leaves my heart.  The dream may be polluted with uncertainty and sorrow, but it is not dead.

            Thank you to all those who are walking this road with us.  Thank you for listening ears, for your generous spirits, and for your genuinely good intentions.  Thanks to those who have been understanding even when you don’t fully understand.  Thanks to those at all different mile markers of this same road who have provided so much support and encouragement.  Thanks to those who have allowed me the privilege of being a part of your children’s lives.  I don’t know what the remainder of our family-building journey looks like, but I am grateful to have such a supportive community of family and friends and for a God who will not abandon me to hopelessness and despair.    

            To close, I wrote a villanelle to more succinctly express what I just shared in recognition of National Infertility Awareness Week:

Reverie of Light

Desire of my heart, tainted reverie of light

For you, I continue to wait 

I must ward off the night

I picture your eyes, your hair, your height 

I hear echoes of laughter, see what beauty you’d create

Desire of my heart, tainted reverie of light

How I ache to hold you tight

My spirit yearns with an ardor so great

I must ward off the night

I’ve pondered your name, if it will be just right

To capture your temper and each quirky trait

Desire of my heart, tainted reverie of light

Your afghans I made lie hidden from sight

Offering no warmth to my fragile state

 I must ward off the night

Oh how my mind must not succumb to this plight

Taunted by apparitions of an uncertain fate

Desire of my heart, tainted reverie of light

Please Lord, ward off the night

He Is Risen

            

            My husband calls me the female version of Dave Ramsey.  While I am nowhere near as experienced or knowledgeable as he is, I do enjoy working with numbers, creating charts and tables, and managing our finances.  I'm a bit of a budget nerd.  For that reason, Propoganda's description of Jesus's death and resurrection in this video speaks to my heart in a very powerful way.  The entire video is jam-packed with rich theology, but these stanzas in particular always sink deeply into my heart.  He proclaims: 

"Clearly since the only one that can meet God's criteria is God, God sent himself as Jesus to pay the cost for us.  His righteousness, His death, functions as payment.  Yes, payment.  

Wrote a check with His life, but at the resurrection we all cheered, 'cause that means the check cleared.  Pierced feet, pierced hands, blood-stained Son of Man, fullness, forgiveness, free passage into the promise land.  That same breath God breathed into us, God gave up to redeem us."

What a vivid and relatable analogy of the importance of Jesus's resurrection!  Picture this: You have a massive medical bill that needs paid off, and your insurance won't cover it.  As you desperately try to think of ways to scrimp and save, you slowly realize that nothing you can do will ever enable you to fully pay off that large of a debt.  Then, a kind and compassionate stranger offers to write a check for the entire balance, no strings attached.  Of course you would have a glimmer of hope that you might really be free from your debt, but you wouldn't know for sure if this stranger really had the money in his bank account.  You could only rest in certainty and freedom after seeing that the payment was accepted by the hospital because the check cleared.  

Jesus's resurrection gives us certainty that His payment for our sin was accepted by God.  Without it, we would have no way of knowing whether Jesus's death was of any real significance at all.  We would have no assurance of forgiveness or freedom.  We would have no way of knowing that He was not just another dead man who taught nice principles.  Paul describes it like this: "And if Christ has not been raised, then your faith is useless and you are still guilty of your sins.  In that case, all who have died believing in Christ are lost!  And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world" (1 Cor. 15:17-19 NLT). 

Praise God that Christ has in fact been raised from the dead!  My debt has been paid in full (which is the literal meaning of Jesus's final words, recorded in Jn. 19:30, that He spoke just before giving up His spirit: "It is finished.") My Savior is alive and interceding on my behalf (Heb. 8:24, 25).  My future is certain because "The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in [me].  And just as God raised Jesus from the dead, he will give life to [my] mortal [body] by this same Spirit living within [me]" (Rom. 8:11 NLT).  I live, and live abundantly, because He lives!  

Jesus's resurrection offers true hope.  This hope is not the type of uncertain wish that says, "I hope that I never get into a car accident," which may or may not happen.  No, this hope is in an entirely different category.  It is a confident expectation, sure and steadfast, rooted in what we know to be true, that provides an anchor for our souls (Heb. 6:19).  What greater cause could we possibly have for celebration?  He is risen! 

Busyness, Birds, & Boundless Love

            

            Have you ever eaten so much food that you felt like one more bite would literally make you explode?  Our schedule for the past two months has felt much like that uncomfortably over-fed stomach.  It has been filled with awesome opportunities that we have enjoyed immensely. However, much like that last bite of blueberry cheesecake that sent me over my stomach’s maximum capacity many years ago (disgusting and TMI, I know, but that's the analogy my brain came up with), too much of a good thing in too short of a time frame can have some unpleasant side effects (for example, exhaustion and irritability).  I know better than to let my schedule get so packed, but I really struggle with intentionally slowing down and making sure I have time for rest and quietness. 

            Thankfully, I have a God and a husband who both love me enough to save me from my self-destructive tendency to overwork myself.  We just recently attended the Continuous Worship Conference at Maranatha Bible Camp, and between God’s tug on my heart and my husband’s encouragement, I found myself skipping the workshop times (something that definitely goes against my “by the book” personality) in favor of  (1) spending some unhurried and unscheduled time with a friend and of (2) being still before my Creator in the midst of the beauty of camp.  Honestly, I had been less than excited that we were going to be away from home AGAIN for a few days, but our time there was so needed.  I didn’t have any leadership roles or specific responsibilities (besides snuggling my friend’s baby while she played piano for the worship sets), and it was rejuvenating to simply be a participant with some room to breathe and reflect.  I was reminded once again just how important and crucial rest really is.  In the general sessions, we talked quite a bit about idols, and the whole conference made me realize how easy it is for me to make productivity and busyness an idol.

            Knowing that my distracted heart needed some work, I dragged myself off of the hamster wheel during the second set of workshops and sought out a quiet spot to talk to God and to listen.  The day was beautiful, and I could feel the warmth of the sun, softened by a mellow breeze, sink into my skin as I sat on the concrete steps that overlook part of the lake.  While listening to and mulling over the lyrics from one of the new worship songs from the conference, a large bird appeared and flew with swift and smooth movements over the water for several minutes.  I expected him to dive and catch a fish at any moment, but he just continued to fly.  I marveled at the beauty of the scene before me.  Suddenly, my heart was overwhelmed with a sense of God’s love for me.

            You see, I have often described my state during the several years that led up to our move to Scottsbluff as that of a caged bird; I felt utterly trapped, alone, and hopeless.  Then, after months of prayer, God rocked my world with change and the restoration of hope, fellowship, and freedom.  I was incredibly grateful and excited to be freed from the cage, but I was deeply hurt in the process.  Thus, I transitioned from feeling like a caged bird to feeling like a wounded bird; I had hope that I would be whole once again, but in the meantime, I was stuck on the ground with my distrust, pain, disillusionment, and impatience.  As I’ve experienced more and more healing, I have also been re-learning how to fly.  I’ve gotten frustrated as I’ve experienced cycles of getting airborne, crashing and burning, and then getting airborne again.  Then, God sends this beautiful bird who could fly effortlessly right before my eyes.  Lately, I would have called it a coincidence.  However, Pastor Scott Mathis reminded us at the conference that “coincidence is just God working incognito.”  It may seem silly, but that bird was another of His gracious reminders to me that He sees me and loves me. 

           

“Yet those who wait for the LORD

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.”

Isaiah 40:31

            As wonderful, sweet, and personal as God’s gift of the bird was to me, nothing could compare to the gift of His Son.  This Friday, we will commemorate His sacrifice: the ultimate, complete, and perfect expression of His love.    

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

Romans 5:8

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.”

John 3:16

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.”

Ephesians 2:4-6

“We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.”

1 John 3:16

“Who will separate us from the love of Christ?  Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  Just as it is written, ‘For Your sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’  But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:35-39              

            How could I ever doubt or forget His love?  How could I ever trample on His grace?  Yet, I do sometimes.  I choose, at times, to ignore and numb the pain of life by self-medicating with constant work in one form or another instead of running to the Healer.  I choose, at times, to rely on my own understanding in stubborn independence instead of trusting in Him completely with complete dependence.  I choose, at times, to walk in my sinful nature instead of His Spirit.  In spite of all that, He still loves me, and He still continues to work on transforming my heart.  What grace and what love are found in Jesus!